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I wrote this about 6 months after my first post regarding my possible (now certain) divorce. It was a 'suicide note' addressed to God when my emotions were very raw, so this is my follow up to Him. Since I can't link to it, that letter is below.
Dear God,
As promised, I didn't actually kill myself. I never was going to, but it felt pretty bad there for a while. Actually, I still feel bad, but in a different kind of way.
I don't know if what's happened was your will. (I don't think I ever completely understood that term anyway.) I asked you to rescue me from my personal hell before I was completely burned and I don't know if you answered that prayer or not. On one hand you did and as a result I'm seeing things clearer and can move forward in my life in a positive way while being open to you emotionally connecting with me should you choose to do that. The divorce and ugliness that accompanies it are challenges sure, but nothing more than anyone else goes through in their life regardless of how 'good' they are.
On the other hand you didn't and as a result my family was severed, I've lost my spouse and I now doubt the personal nature of you in my life. I don't attend church and am not interested in talking to your or re-reading your book to find more 'answers.' That sure sounds like someone who is separated from God.
I was satisfied for so long knowing that I knew the truth. I didn't search for an emotional connection because I didn't view that as a requirement and in fact considered emotions to be untrustworthy for making decisions at all. That coldness however left me being selfish and haughty. Now for some reason without worrying about you and whatever your will is I feel better. I do regret my contribution to what happened in my marriage and am sorry for that. I can see a number of things in my behavior that I did wrong and chose to ignore. My regret however has motivated me to work to not make those mistakes again. I don't have the guilt associated with my past sin, but I'm not sure if it's because I've been forgiven or I just don't care anymore given that most Christian's would say now I'm living in sin.
And therein lies the problem. Apart from a scientific belief in the preponderance of evidence, everything about feelings, motivation, even depression and recovery from addiction can be explained and viewed from a purely secular standpoint without any inconsistency. My 'worldview' wants to believe in you and be a follower, but I don't know what I did wrong that left me disconnected in the first place. As a result, I'm trying to be a better person and show love to those around me….treating others as I would want to be treated. This outlook however doesn't look like it requires your involvement. Maybe it does at a level I can't see, but if I only accept that because I read it in a book, then I'm no different than the atheist who looks at the same facts but draws a different conclusion.
Anyway, I don't feel like I'm rejecting you or denying your existence as much as wondering about your relevance to me. I'll continue to move forward and trying to do the right thing, while knowing I'm not perfect. But since I'm not pretending to be perfect anymore it's OK. Anytime you want to communicate with me feel free, though I wonder how you'll do that if I'm not praying, reading the Bible, and going to church. That's how I thought you would've done it before, but apparently not for me.
Original Note:
Dear God,
If I were actually going to kill myself this would be my suicide note and it would be directed at you.
I'd like to start out by saying FUCK YOU! I mean really....if going to church regularly, praying often, studying the Bible, reading Christian authors, being friends with other Christians, my wife's prayers, others prayers, and raising my kids to love you isn't enough to prevent me from doing what I've done then what the fuck is? Are you pissed that I wasn't tithing or something?
You had to take the one thing I found good in life. The one thing that I could tangibly see and feel was real and meaningful to me. And more than just take it, you let it be my fault. If you had killed my family in a tragic accident leaving me all alone it would be less painful than this is. Was it because I'm supposed to let you be the source of my self-worth and joy? Well, if that's the case please sign me up, cause I ain't got shit else.
And what am I supposed to do to get this peace that others blab on about anyway? Read the Bible? Pray? Surround myself with Christians? As previously mentioned I thought I did that. How long am I supposed to wait for it?
Please show up and let me know that the dusty old tome that no one can even agree what it means is actually legit in the first place. I need a little sign here God. Something that tells me you exist and really do care enough to act in a supernatural way to rescue me from my personal hell.
But please don't wait too long. This hell fire is getting hot and will likely consume me very soon.
Waiting ....
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