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I am stuck in a huge, messed up problem. I really need to vent this out and get your thoughts or comments about this issue, thanks in advance
I'm a Muslim, I was born and raised in a very, very, very, VERY strict and religious household/environment. I'm currently 17, and I'm about to move back to Pakistan by the end of this year and (most likely) live with my mother and siblings there (With my father staying in the US). Not only am I raised in a religious household, but I also take my religion very seriously ever since I came into my social awareness and perception. I have been praying and devoting my life to God, to Islam, all by the age of 5, naming my future children the name of prophets whom I admire the most. I avoided music to the point where listening to someone else playing music from far away gave me anxiety as music is a sin, so I would plug in my ears. I have never danced in my life. I have never drawn any images. I have avoided gatherings of people who care more about other things and instead, I sit by religious people since childhood. I have given up every sacrifice for the God of Islam. I want to make sure that people benefit from me in this world and that I get into heaven in my afterlife. This is the religious side of me since I was a child.
Now most of you are probably aware that there are anti-Islamists who do exist in this world (Commonly referred to as "Islamophobes"). I have been debating anti-Islamists for four years now, as I only came to know that they exist when I was introduced to social media and to non-Pakistanis four years ago. I debate and argue my point, I defend my religion. Would you like to know the truth? The truth is that I never knew my religion when I was blindingly defending it. I never knew the BASICS of my religion while I was growing up with older villagers who would only brainwash me into thinking, "Muslims go to heaven, Prophet Muhammad is the best prophet, this world is a test and suffering for Muslims and we will be rewarded in heaven, this world is a heaven for infidels who will be punished in hell. Pray, do not let yourself hear a word against our prophet, you will turn into apes if you disrespect the holy Quran..." so on, so on.
I was an ignorant believer, not aware of the religion I am believing in. I never knew a thing about my prophet, about the book, I was trained to read the Quran in a language I cannot understand. Yet I was taught to believe in it and to love my religion and to love my people because apparently Islam is the truth. I always felt bad for Christians and Hindus, as they would "sin in this world for Earthly pleasures and suffer in the hereafter".
Now, my fourth year being in the US after returning from Pakistan, being online and debating, I was slowly and gradually introduced to anti-Islamists and to the term "Terrorism" (I was already quite familiar with Taliban) and I have learned why these people hate Islam and the reasons they provided. I would deny those reasons, and assume that they are taking verses out of context. Despite my opponents telling me, providing evidence and reasoning as to why Islam is a fake religion and to why Muhammad is the "Most obvious fake prophet in history", them explaining to me their point, I would never believe. I would always have the following two things in mind:
1) Islam is the truth, these disbelievers do not know the true Islam and grab verses out of context
2) Polytheistic religions are false, monotheistic religions excluding Islam is false (In other words, Juda-ism and Christ-ianity is false)
Despite debating atheists, Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Hindus, agnostics, despite debating anti-Islamic believers for four years, my mind would never go to the point of "If so many people hate Islam, there must be a solid reason, these fake claims simply cannot arise on its own". Never has my mind thought of it like that.
By this point, I assume that you are inferring that I probably am an ex-Muslim and it makes it hard to live a new lifestyle in my future in Pakistan or to be in the closet for life. That is not the case. This vent is about something else, so please stay tuned.
Let's rewind to late December, 2019, where I met a Christian preacher on a social media platform in a Christian group I had accidentally joined, mistaking it for some other group. The Christian preacher introduces me to Christianity, to the Gospel, the Bible, and apparently wanted to "Teach the Bible" to me. I was so busy defending the religion I follow, having the bright parts of it in mind, that I never took time to read more into other religions. I have met Church Priests and Gospel Preachers before who basically wants to stick to non-Christians until they are baptized. Those are Christians.
However, this man I have met through the social media platform, stayed in touch with me after endless debates and we still debate to this day. I have come to learn about Christianity and became more open-minded to the indecent information I was being exposed to about my religion--under a new set of lenses.
I now understand why there are people who hate Islam and its prophet, I am coming to follow other prophets (Including Jesus, who is seen as the Son of Mary, only a messenger and prophet of God) and their teachings more than Muhammad himself. I have done self-research, got into live youtube streams, read books, browsed the web, discuss with more people across the web from different viewpoints about religion, debated more, watched more debates, read more religious texts and books, read their commentaries from experts, and I understand the history of religion and the depth of life into it. The prophets, God's revelations throughout times, occasions certain verses were revealed in, the collections of narrations of the prophet, so on, so on.
My self-research has concluded me to believe that the old books (Torah and the Gospel) has not been corrupted. The Quran affirms the inspiration, preservation, and the authority of the Christian Scriptures. It truly is not corrupt. I have also come to known about Muhammad's sexual desires vs the sexual desires of other prophets. About the miracles other prophets could perform vs....Muhammad
If the previous scriptures are true, I take them very seriously. That is why I take the laws very seriously. My mind is emerging all the religions I have studied into a religion who forgets about the existence of Muhammad, who married and had sex with a prepubescent girl and truly did NOT wait till she reached puberty. I am believing in the one monotheistic God, but there are some internal conflicts which I need to deal with. One main thing I have to get a clearer side on is:
1) Jesus either died, saved the world from their sins, is the Messiah, will come in the second coming to defeat the anti-Christ, and is the Son of God. (General Christian belief)
2) Jesus was appeared to die and was miraculously replaced by another body, he is taken to heaven alive and is with God, he never died, he is the Messiah, he is the second-last prophet, he will come and continue his life in the second coming and defeat the anti-Christ. (General Islamic belief)
I understand what God's true purpose behind each revelations are, what his purpose is. However, the question is that I cannot believe in the Bible and in the Quran at the same time. I either need to believe that Jesus was the Son of God who died on the cross for mankind, or I need to believe that Jesus was a prophet who never died.
I have many internal conflicts
I am feeling closer to God, but distant from Islam AND Christianity. I do not want to label myself as "Muslim" or "Christian". However, I dont want to be a girl in the air who believes whatever she wants. I need to follow a specific religion. I need to be either one or the other. However, none fully satisfies me. I do not know what to believe and what not to. I dislike many actions of the prophets, but I fear that this is the devil deceiving me and I do not want to ruin my hereafter. According to a sacred Jewish book, God will take to heaven those who believe in him and those who act moral according to the set of rules it was provided there, despite the religion they believe in (Excluding Jews, I am talking about gentiles only). According to Christianity, God will take to heaven those who believe and confess that Jesus is Lord and that he died for our sins. According to Islam, God will take to heaven those who believe in Islam, in one God, in the Prophet, and do good works. (Judaism and Islam are both religions of works). In the Quran, God asks me to beware of the false teachings of the Jews and Christians. In the Bible, it asks to beware of false religions.
God has given me an opportunity to choose wisely on the right religion to believe in, or he is testing my faith in Islam. This leaves me confused, as I will never accept the trinity. I have stopped praying, but I pray deeper from heart now. My connection with God has become stronger. I am not asking for advice on what religion is the ultimate truth, but this is for the sake of my hereafter, eternity, and I need thoughts on how to approach this with the right step. I am becoming helpless.
Many thanks, God bless
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If you find the Bible to be pure and un-corrupt than the Quran is automatically false. Muhammad was not the greatest prophet (Matthew 11:11) But John the Baptist! Also, the Bible condemns fornication. Muhammad was a fornicator and with a child, Nontheless! I recognize that David commited adultery, but then the prophet Nathan rebukes him! I hope this helped!
ReplyThanks, I think I'll follow the older books and still call myself a Muslim for now ðŸ˜
I disappointed with him and I just started crying...Yes
Replyalright thanks for your openess!
ReplyI was in bed one night when I felt a tap on my shoulder and knew without a doubt it was Jesus. 4 years later I felt Him leave me and fill me with The Holy Ghost. I had done a 12 month Bible study and had already begun my relationship with God. Since then there have been many miracles in my life, and most of my prayers have been answered. I feel loved, protected, looked after and safe. Not long ago I asked God to give me something useful to do and a bit later I was on my lap top and out of nowhere this Novni site came up! A while after that I asked Him to find someone to look after my dog if I have to go to hospital. Then I met a guy who needed a home so now he has been living here for some time. So he will look after my dog if that needs to happen.
ReplyDo what you want
And if you're being forced to go to Pakistan tell someone
ReplyI would suggest reading the book "Leaving the Fold". It has helped my immensely as I have given myself permission to make my own conclusions about the world around me.
ReplyWell, maybe you haven't heard this but the earlier scriptures were each meant for the people of their respective eras and the Quran was meant for the prophet's era, which is everyone from the time of the prophet till the end. The Bible and Torah aren't false but they were meant for the people of Jesus and the people of moses.
Replysomewhat similar situation. If you could read me tell me what conclusion have you drawn. do reply soon
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