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I remember when it all went down.
I remember where I was, what time it was, what day it was.
Out of nowhere, two girls who I had suspected played some role in his life, told me they were both dating him, while he had been dating me. That he had said, he loved them. That he had asked her to marry her countless times in 2015-2016 and she had refused. And that I apparently was "the other girl."
How come he had never asked me? Was I not good enough to marry? I thought what we had was special, but he casually offered a future to this girl. Did I mean nothing?
I had felt the silent competition going on in that phone call. Who did he love the most? Who did he do the most for? Who went the farthest?
Hearing those girls stories made me wanna weep. How he dismissed me to those girls. The emotion he shared with them. The love he made them feel.
They wanted to confront him. But my heart was broken.
I was hurting. These girls had known for some time and been in contact. I'd only been informed 1 hour ago.
I didn't want to confront him. Seeing him look at each girl and having to accept he had a relationship with each one. Wondering whose name he's gonna call out first, because thats the one he really loved. Or loved the most.
He fucked me up. I loved selflessly, I gave endlessly, I went back to him EVERY TIME thinking THIS would be the time things would get fixed. I became super vulnerable, thinking if he saw the hurt in my eyes he would understand. He would change. He would show me that love back.
But it never did anything. He never changed. I took an internship close-by him for the summer, thinking that distance was the issue and this would be an opportunity to solve things. He saw me 3 times in 3 months, and even then reluctantly.
I decided he wasn't the future I wanted. He was too dysfunctional to me. I deserved better than a half assed-love. Random texts and calls after weeks of ignoring me. Telling me he wanted to fix things and then going back to me not existing. Pouring my heart and soul into texts, letters, phone calls thinking revealing how hurt I was would change him for the better, all stupid attempts on my behalf.
I took every chance. Every avenue, to get to him.
I prayed so much for us. I asked if nothing else, you could be mine. I wanted to be yours, at every cost.
...
I remember how the skies ripped apart. I remember being torn into two. I remember sitting in the Target parking lot, screaming in my car. I felt like I was dying, I was choking back sobs; I could barely breathe. No one understood, no one cared.
When had I stopped being enough for him? I had to stop thinking about this.
But then in Spain, she texted me again. I was terrified of reading the message. She told me to back off him, saying she knew I was in contact with him. Then sent a snap of them on the phone. I didn't want to be apart of this anymore, it hurt. If she wanted to continue with him, she could. I had already left.
She responded again, This time I told her off. Go ahead and marry someone you feel insecure about. You're the one who 10 years from now will be asking other girls if they've been in contact with "your man." She didnt respond after that.
...
But today we talked and I learned I had it all wrong. I'm so sorry for not trusting him, for not asking for his side of the story. How incredibly ignorant of me.
And now I know, that it wasn't a lie:
"Everything precious to me, gone. Every beautiful memory of my first love, ruined. Walking in downtown Chicago under lights in the winter snow. Crunching leaves in a corn maze and looking at pretty houses. Going grocery shopping together and ordering Chinese in the middle of the night. Picking me up in his arms after visiting the museum. Flying all the way to DC, Vermont, Boston just to see him. All the sweet gestures. Gone." -09/04/19
I was elated, he had LOVED me. It hadn't been in my head. The memories weren't tarnished, they were real! I had craved for those moments to be authentic.
But its too late. Its already been tarnished by the past.
Why does it feel like, he realized what he had only after I was gone? Three years, that he could decided he needed me. But he didnt.
If I was important enough, the fear of losing him would have been greater than the fear of being judged for confiding in me. But I wasnt.
I can't shake the memories of how distant he was, how hollow I'd feel, how many times my feelings were disregarded, how many times I felt used for my body, how many times I called him screaming/crying and he didn't show any emotion. I can't forget the hurt. No matter how much I loved him, and I forgave him, I cant start over with him.
And it hurts. Because I really wish I could. This is what I've always wanted. This is what I waited for. This is the fruit of my labor. I sacrificed so much, so many parts of me, broken just for this moment.
He finally loves me the way I had always wanted, the way I needed. I felt it through this voice, I knew his love was now as intense as mine had been for him.
And God, how I wished I could love him back. I wish I could just resume our future. Have beautiful babies, grow old together. Go see the stars, concerts, the beach, there was so much I had wanted with him. But I can't.
He had so much humanity inside him, he didnt know. So much good, untouched unknown to him. He was a good man, and he didn't even know.
So if I love him, why wont I be with him? Why won't I give him a second chance?
Because you can't turn back years of toxic emotions. I can't even if he could. After all I had been through, I buried those emotions deep. I only have past feelings, none in the present.
And even though it hurts so much to him right now, he will be okay after some time. I hurt for years and months, and I dug myself out. I have faith he will too.
And God do I hope, we meet in another lifetime. Because there was too much left undiscovered. Too much I wanted to do with this man. But I cant now, because the feelings are gone. I'm so sorry, its too late, I threw them away. I wish I hadn't because maybe I would still want this.
Is it too much Allah, for us to meet in another lifetime? Can you please give this man the things he has always deserved? Can you make things "work out" for him? He's seen too much pain, too much betrayal, too many people taking him for granted. Please?
The tears dont stop, and I'll never stop asking. Can I see him in another life? Will you let me love him again when that time comes?
Please tell him, that I love him. Give him outlets to heal. You healed me after my hurt, please heal him. I beg you. Writing out his feelings, talking to himself in a video, however it is, bring him peace.
I promise this is my last journal entry for him.
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