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It's nearly been a year since I last communicated with you, since I lost you, since you were removed from my life
And let me tell you ever since that very day that I sadly, so suddenly lost you not a day I promise you not one day has gone by where I haven't thought about you.
Every morning ever since that unfortunate day I have woke up and looked at your funeral card and just sobbed in sadness inside of my gut.
The whole family has been in denial for nearly a whole year now we all miss you so dearly and even though we know it has happened we still can't get our heads round that it's actually real.
I know it's crazy but I just sometimes sit in nans and think I wish that he had just got lost at a car boot and that he would just come through the door with a new random gadget you have discovered and that's why you took so long to get back to us
And that we would all just look at you and laugh but then hold you in our arms and count our lucky stars for you not to leave us again until it truly is your time to go because it wasn't your time to go it was such a sudden and unexpected empty sadness that came upon me when that very day arrived.
Mom says to me that at least you went peacefully and didn't suffer but I say I don't care about that it just wasn't his time.
Yes I know the saying is heaven gained another angel but in reality heaven gaining an angel was me loosing such an important role model in my life.
I know that before the loss of you the family had already dealt with family grief but you were my first.When I lost my best friend I never knew I'd feel pain worse than what I felt then, but oh how was I wrong my dear friend because when I lost you I just felt empty and numb but at the same time so sad and angry that I didn't properly get to wrap things up with you and I felt so guilty that whilst on that Saturday I was out having a lovely day bowling with my dad and brother. We were so oblivious to the sad truth that was taking place at nans.
As we were pulling up at nans me and my brother noticed that your car was here so we were excited to see you but then we also saw not one, not two but three other cars. Those cars belonged to mom, aunty, and uncle. And me and my brother knew that on a Saturday at around 6 it wasn't normal for other cars to be here unless something bad had happened. We got out the car and dad hugged us as if he was preparing us for a storm that was going to hit us within seconds of entering the house. We noticed mom opened the door and she didn't look her usual happy self she looked broken as if her world had just been ripped from beneath her very feet.As we approached the door normally you would open it and say "the grandkids are here" I will never forget the way you'd say that every week I can hear your voice so vividly in my head. Anyway normally on those amazing unforgettable Saturdays you would open the door and both teles would be blasting because of you or you would be spontaneously cooking in the kitchen.But this particular Saturday felt different, there was a completely different atmosphere in the air. A dismal one, an unexpected one mom opened the door looking broken and as if she had been crying for years. She looked torn, she welcomed us into the house where no televisions were switched on and no one was cooking. It seems impossible but as soon as mom embraced us with another unexpected preparing hug me and my brother just knew that what she was about to say was going to be unwanted to our delecate ears. She didn't even have to say anything I remember it so vividly like it was yesterday. I instantly bawled and my brother just couldn't believe it so he acted fine and went into the living room as he normally would.
Of course I was heartbroken by the news I had just discovered but I had never ever seen my auntie cry and I think seeing my auntie cry in that much pain destroyed me after sobbing to my mother so distraught and confused I walked up to my aunt who was sobbing to herself in the kitchen and she just walked towards me and embraced me once again sobbing onto my shoulder which broke me.
Then when she saw me it made her even more upset, I then walked into my nans room which also broke me to see my nan and uncle crying. As you know grandad me and nan are practically joined at the hip she's my other half so me and my nan sobbed to each other and nan told me later it broke her, aunt and uncle to hear my broken help from the news. The morning after me and nan both woke up at 6am and sobbed together from denial that it had happened.
A year on and we are still all in denial and we all miss you dearly not a day goes by when I don't think about you or see something that reminds me of you.
But I keep it in and I sob and scream in silence to myself from the emptyness I still feel every time I hear your name or someone mentions you.
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