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My dad was abusive and my mother did nothing to stop it.
This was over 20 years ago, a lifetime really, but it was something that still affects me to this very day. When people think 'abuse' they see a child beaten and hurt. They see bruises and broken bones. It iseems people forget that abuse can take many unseen forms such as emotional or mental abuse.. While there was some physical abuse in my upbringing in the form of a well placed backhand, an occasional 'spanking' with a belt or being grabbed by the hair by my father as a teen, the abuse was more of the emotional and mental variety in my house.
From a young age it was made very clear that crying was not acceptable. Any time I would show any sort of emotional response other than stoicism I would be ridiculed for crying as it was understood that 'MEN did not cry.' If I were being punished and I cried my punishment would enhanced. Whether that was a spanking or a grounding, I was expected to take that punishment like a man as only that would make me tough. This torment took other forms as well. I was scrawny and rather sickly due to Asthma so I was constantly judged for being too thin or too weak. If I gained weight I would be judged for being fat. Ever hear of a 'Dunlap'? This was my dads favorite joke, following up a the explanation that my stomach had 'done lapped' over my belt. This kind of ridicule would continue well into my teens giving me not only an unhealthy perception in my emotional stability but also in my physical appearance. I have since struggled with my weight most of my life and have been very sensitive to it no matter what I do.
I could recount specific memories of this constant demoralization such as the time my father smacked me over and over holding me by my hair when I attempted to stand up to him or he and my uncle teased me claiming that our dogs puppies might be my kids since the dog slept in my room but those tortures are too numerous, and some too painful to recount. As I get older more and more of these memories surface overshadowing the handful of positive memories I had growing up. The thing is...the hardship wasn't only from my father.
In addition to being mistreated at home, I faced more outside of the house as I was very sickly and sensitive I was also extremely nerdy. Growing up in the 80s being a need painted a target on you that was akin to a scarlet letter. I was not only a target for not only my fathers twisted notion if masculinity but also of just about every bully in school as well. In elementary I would face daily beatings by the school bully and, as I was very much a pacifist thanks in part to my fear of fighting back at home, I would simply take the beatings as I felt I deserved them in some way. I endured this additional punishment for years until I could take no more and stuck back in a single fight. While I was still picked on that single stand kept me from being physically attacked again, a slight relief giving me at least some solace outside of the home.
While I endured regular abuse and humiliation, the bigger issue was that much of this treatment felt normal to me, that it was just the way things were. My mother rarely stood in his way during all of this only reminding me and my sisters that we just need to listen and behave. She never really lifted a finger against one of us but in her own way she was just as responsible as she never put a stop to it. My dad once confided in my that his father was both an alcoholic and abusive to him and his siblings. Due to thia experience he promised himself that he would do better and, in many ways he did. He never drank and never fully lost control in his anger. When he got too angry he would walk out knowing that he could be worse. My sisters both went through their own troubles after I left home but their experiences are theirs to share and not mine.
The actions of my parents were damaging but they could have been worse. As I grew up my father explained that as he had made it a point to 'do better', it was my duty to do the same in my adulthood. Since finding my own way in life, I have grown up to have an amicable relationship with my father and mother. They would never admit that their actions were inappropriate but he has acknowledged that he 'may have been' harder on me than he should have been. I have taken to use this experience to make me stronger and more aware of my actions in every day life. Much like my dad, I promised myself I too would be better than him.
The thing is, I still deal with massive repercussions from these experiences that have manifested as depression and anxiety in my adult life. I often doubt myself and, subconsciously expect the worst from even the friendliest people. I have contemplated self harm and even suicide at times but have always found a reason to not go through with it. My experiences damaged me. I know this. It is because of this damage that I have struggled.
There is nothing I can do to change what I experienced and I have come to accept that. I expect no recompense, no apologies as it would not change anything that I experienced. The reason I share my story is that I hope that my experience helps someone stop and think about how their actions may affect the person they are mistreating. That maybe they will think about their actions for even a moment realizing that the cycle of violence, of abuse, can be stopped....must be stopped. I have chosen to stop it by not continuing my bloodline by not having kids. Luckily I have found a partner who is also uninterested in children as well. We support one another in every way learning how to handle difficult situations one by one, facing our differences as best we can. We are not perfect but we do all we can to care for each other in every way. I have also made it a point to encourage and lift those that suffer from similar issues as mine. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word or bit of encouragement to brighten someone's day.
In a way I guess I have done as my father had hoped, I have become a better man than he was and for that I am grateful.
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Wow, what an inspirational and brave piece of writing. Beautifully written. You sound like you are doing amazingly well dealing with everything you have been through and it has not beaten you but made you stronger. Thank you for sharing xx
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