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It was my birthday yesterday. The day was good overall. My family members gave me some stuff. I had a bunch of facebook friends tell me happy birthday. Being an adult in my 30s, I didn't expect anything, so I was just happy to get anything. I got to talk to my daughter and she wished me a happy birthday, which of course was great. I had a relaxing day overall. Why shouldn't I be happy?
But I'm not happy right now. I'm crying and I can't fall asleep. I keep comparing myself to other people and how easy everything seems to others when it's hard for me. Which really isn't even true. I decide my life and the choices in it. Still, there is so much out of my control that it baffles and angers me sometimes. Life really is unfair in so many ways. It sucks sometimes. I feel ignored a lot, especially by women whose attention I seek. Also by people I used to be friends with but who I no longer have a strong relationship with. I feel so damn lonely sometimes. That being said, I do not want romantic commitment. I want acknowledgement and caring. I want acceptance for my flaws and people I can trust. I want someone to actually give a shit about me. Not just say it but also act on it. I want freedom. Yes, I am selfish. So is everyone to a certain degree.
Sometimes I think of killing myself. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in pain and loneliness either. I feel like a terrible person and sometimes I wish I was never born.
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This one's hard to comment on. It's just that hit hits close.
I guess try not to compare yourself to others. Also maybe stop expecting to always be happy. Not to shift the attention but I do this one way to much. Maybe you feel that you SHOULD be in a particular place or have expectations for emotions or what have you, when they are not made it just lets you down. It has to do with being too hard on yourself. It's alright to feel sad. Do you want to talk about it more?
ReplyI felt the same way sometimes. I had a wonderful family but there were times i feel empty. Good thing for you that you recognize what you want "to acknowledge and to care". I get those a lot from people around me yet i still empty.
I want to start loving myself but i don't know how to start.... when i was younger, i have clear vision of what i want in life, as i get matured - it gets blurred. So i really want to see how I can start with that. You are not a terrible person, you are surrounded with good people. We can conquer our pain.
ReplyYou say everything seems easy for others when it is hard for you. Then you say it isn't even true. Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself and need to ease up. Give yourself a break because you need one. Then you say you want attention from women who ignore you, but you don't want a romantic commitment but you want acknowledgement and caring. People who are friends will care to a degree, but if you want proper care and commitment that comes with an intimate and romantic interlude. Have you tried to make a friend as a casual date on a dating app? I hope you realise that God is committed to you and does care for you as a father toward His child. God is loving and it is important to pray to Him when you think of suicide to ask Him to take this thought away from you.
ReplyContinue: Happy Birthday for yesterday! I am so glad you had a great day.
Reply