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this is a series of whenever I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed and can’t help but publish this online. Not for attention in a bad way, but to feel better knowing that I’ve gotten my feelings off my chest to people that exist or than my trusty diary. So, here goes nothing..
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I feel...worse this time. The dull feeling of knowing you’re not enough stings my core like a sour, bitter snake.
Ow..my leg hurts..the pain won’t go away..I think it’s growing pains but it’s a dull ache that settles in my thigh and can’t go away unless I massage it but I ran out of ointment so I can’t really do much..it’s totally making this worse for me..
I’m trying to ignore the pain as I type but I feel very strange. I’m young (13), I’m inching towards my teen years and I’m already feeling this way. I’m going to blame it on the fact that I’m just on the brink of puberty and I’m growing up but it still hurts.
I’m too ashamed to go to my parents (It’s hard since they’re divorced and such I don’t want to pressure them) and I know my friends are genuine and are willing to help me, but I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone I know. So here I am, crying as I write this strange strange post about me being hormonal.
I feel like I’ve not exceeded my expectations, like I’m not smart enough or I’m not pretty enough or that I’m too annoying and too loud and too emotional.
I just want to be the better version of me, so why am I holding back? Why am I so insecure about these things? It’s a weird feeling and I just can’t digest it properly.
Here are some things that BURN my self-esteem:
Sometimes people to go silent when I conversed with them because “I was too awkward” or I set the wrong tone.
Whenever I would converse late at night, I would sprout with ideas about the universe and all the possible strange alternatives out there, but all they want to talk about is how hot they are and the latest drama. And then when I suggest something I find cool, it goes silent and the ‘read’ symbol increases to ‘+5 other people’.
I find that embarrassing and so I start to rethink the silly things like I am right now.
Another thing that sunk my esteem is when they were player ‘would you rather’ and the question was: who is the most likely to cry and most annoying? They said me. And they were right - I’m here crying right now.
My crying hurts too. For some reason, my breathing was worse and I couldn’t even control it, it was like it was in an irregular pattern. It was dark too and my chest was hurting and shaking. I wasn’t thinking straight. That was the worst crying moments I’ve ever had.
I guess this is why I’m feeling useless. I wanna feel better about myself, please. I just wanna grow to a better person both mentally, spiritually and more. I’m not looking to impress anyone, I’m looking to impress myself.
And here are things that I turn to when I’m sad, but can’t at the moment:
Whenever I’m sad, I turn to playing ROBLOX with my friends to get my mind off some things, but tonight I think I embarrassed myself.
I’m always known to be the hyper-energetic one with a bright smile and the genuine laughs, but sometimes It comes crashing down.
But tonight, in the group chat I accidentally slipped up and my texting style was sadder. So, my friends were asking what was wrong, but all I had to answer with was:
“I’m fine, just tired, but thanks for caring. I really appreciate it :)”
I know I shouldn’t keep my feelings pent up like that, but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight. So know I have the natural urge to inch myself away from playing ROBLOX with them since I’m embarrassed.
This is so stupid! Now, I’m going to have to avoid the daily Group-chat calls that I love, but I don’t want to talk about what happened to night. I don’t want to remember how bad I felt tonight - I want them to think I’m fine.
Because I am, I know I am. I’m just sad right now and need to recover by distancing myself for a bit and reflecting.
Writing this has calmed me down and I’ve stopped crying. Though my eyes are still weirdly puffy and my nose is a bit clogged, I feel better a bit. I like writing here, I will continue to write about my troubles.
And to the people possibly reading this I hope you have a more magical day/night than I’m having right now and stay safe!!
- anonymous girl
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I’m the author here and if you have to time, please let me know if this is normal behaviour for a 13-year-old. I just want to know it’s only natural to feel troubled and that the insecurities I’m feeling with subside.
ReplyThank you for sharing that. My night has been like this: my boarder came home with the news that his car broke down and he has left it on the side of some road miles away and got his cousin to give him a lift home. The man in the house behind is a mechanic so I saw him and asked him if he could give my boarder a lift to his car and try to get it going again. He couldn't help because he was waiting for the council ranger to turn up to take away his next door's dog which climbs over a high fence into his yard and has gone vicious. This same dog climbed the fence, walked along the top of my back fence, jumped onto my shed roof and into my yard the other day and it was only lucky that it and my dog got along. So the broken down car is still there unless someone has destroyed it or got it going and stole it. So there is my drama and it is more magical than the night you are having. I won't say how hot I am. The drama should be enough. Sorry. Even though you are emotional you are behaving in a normal way for a 13 year old. But if you begin to feel anxious and/or depressed please see a doctor.
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