What are you looking for?
Love and Affection
1 week ago · · Love,
When I started seeing the harsh and rough sides of life and people, my perception of love really changed. Especially what I saw between my parents. To be honest, I struggled a lot with this because it fundamentally changed the meaning of love for me, for a while at least.
I developed a lot of insecurities, Inferiority complex was my best friend, I stopped standing up for myself and let people walk all over me. I always put others first, I was never my priority. I started to have this weird twisted view that love and care was emotional and verbal abuse. I became really clingy at one point (maybe I still am), and then suddenly distant. I bent over backwards to keep everyone happy, to make sure they stayed in my life, But now I know, that kind of “love” isn’t love. It’s an equal effort ( funnily enough, in the end, I loved someone more than they could ever love me)
With time as I grew older, I saw families outside of mine, explored on the internet and media and sort of realised what I thought wasn’t “right”.
As of now love and affection mean many things to me. It means physical affection. It means unconditionally support. It means giving your everything. It means living life together; through the good and bad. But there are different kinds of love and affection; that between family and friends, and that between the one.
In my irrational thinking, love and affection are something I crave strongly. I feel an emptiness in my day to day life that might only be filled by someone who gives me those feelings. Someone to live life with me.
Rationally, I know that those feelings are useless now. Although, I know that in order to stay mentally healthy and in order to fulfil a life long dream of mine, I will need and want to find someone who creates these feelings in me.
“No one loves me, and no one ever will” used to be my mantra. Now I’m learning to fight it. If no one else ever will, I always will.
But for now, I won’t look for it. I’ll just learn to love me and love the people that choose to be with me. I’m tired of chasing.