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My Unsent Letter
1 week ago · · Rape, · Explicit
I cried seeing a picture of you today. Just immediately sobbed. Couldn’t hold it in. My mind flashed back to that night. I wish I was drunk enough to forget. But sadly I was sober enough to remember it all. I was confused. I felt you taking off my work shirt for me. I tried to convince myself it’s cause you were helping me into pajamas or something. But then you kept going. And nothing was put back on. I was left in my underwear. I fully woke up then and told you no. Over and over. You didn’t care. You pulled them aside and used my body while I was too drunk to fight it. I pushed you off for a minute. Cried and begged you not to. You kept trying. I caved. I asked you to at least wear a condom. You got excited and said “really?! Okay!” Like that was somehow consent. You couldn’t find a condom. It didn’t stop you. You grabbed me and asked/demanded again. I couldn’t fight and I couldn’t stop having a panic attack to say more than “I guess”. I woke up next to you in bed naked. We showered together. And I asked you if that really happened and you lied and said I had a bad dream. I pretended to believe you and got out as fast as I could. I couldn’t drink for a year. The boys I worked with that I called my babies accidentally sent me into panic attacks by hugging me like they normally did. You changed everything about me. I haven’t gotten drunk around anyone but my boyfriend since. And i only did that once. Cause I was still scared. I have never been out drinking on a weekend to the bars. My heart sinks when I think I see your car. Even though you probably drive something different now. I had to wear the clothes you took off of me to work for three more years before I could get rid of them. I kept a blanket you gave me for far too long and somehow felt guilty for throwing it out. I confronted you about all of this. And you guilt tripped me until I didn’t bring the police into it. I regret it everyday that i didn’t. You don’t even feel bad for what you did and I’m stuck feeling guilty I got drunk enough to get raped by my best friend and then guilty I didn’t call for help. I know I shouldn’t. But I still do. And it sucks. Fuck you Lucas.