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1 week ago · · fuck life, · Explicit
In August it'll be a year since we broke up. Yet, you still haunt me......today you texted me "how u been holding up during this quarantine?" Fucked up thing about it is that all day I had been thinking about you, what our future would've been like and i was missing you. I was wishing you would text me so that i could know that at least i was still on your mind, just like you were on mine. then BAM you fucking texted me. SO for hours i spent time thinking and crying and thinking some more about weather i should text you back or not. so i decided to flip a coin, best 2 out 3, and the coins told me to text you. yet i couldn't bring myself to do it. Wishing that you would text me and then the coin toss going in your favor felt like destiny, like fuck, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. But I've felt like that before with you. it was years ago but i remember thinking destiny was pushing us together so I went with it. All it did was fuck me over and leave me brokenhearted. Should i trust destiny again? I've always been a firm believer in things happen for a reason but this time i don't know. A part of me wants to because i miss you and i still love you but the other part of me thinks i shouldn't. That nagging part of my brain just keeps telling me that i'll be disappointed again and i'll be back at square one again. As i'm typing, i feel more sure of myself that i shouldn't text you but then my heart hurts and my eyes water because i fucking miss you. i want to talk to you and be in your arms but i can't. you hurt me so bad, Theres no way i could ever forgive you, my pride won't let. All i ever asked of you was to love me and be there for me and you straight up said no and then called me weak. You were the only person who i felt comfortable being weak in front of because i thought you had me, i thought you were my rock but i was wrong, so very wrong. The moment shit got hard, you bailed and blamed it on something else. I fucking hate you. I wish you woud be leave me alone. I hate myself for what i'm going through. I let you affect me in a way no other human being has ever affected me. you were truly my best friend, the only person I could honestly talk to and be my whole self and you didn't want it. This fucking hurts so bad, i wanted you so much, I wanted a life with you and now i'm all alone with no sense of direction on where to go. I don't know what to do now and this stupid quarantine isn't helping me either. I want to give up, i want to go away, i want to forget, i want this fucking pain to go away. I don't want to feel sad, i don't want to feel worthless or alone. I want to go back to being happy with my life and having hope for the future. right now, i don't have any of it. I can't picture myself happy anymore, today i'm drinking because i want to feel something else besides this emptiness and loneliness. but i can't even enjoy that. I haven't showered in some days, i can't get out of bed, i don't care about my work and all because i don't have you. I hate that i've let you affect me so much. I want to be able to let you go, to be able to forget you and move on but i just can't. i still love you and i still want you and that makes me feel so stupid because i know you don't. You don't love me, you don't want me, so why the fuck do you keep texting me!!!!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!! i can't handle more rejection. I just can't. I don't know where to go from here.