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Losing someone is one of the worst things a person can experience, I am certain of that. But i don't think anything is worse than losing yourself. You know? I always considered myself the "funny one", the one that makes jokes all the time and gives advice to everyone. But after i moved countries, I lost everything. A few months in it wasn't that bad. I had a group of "friends", which I call survival friends, cause I know that when we graduate, we'll never talk again. I call them survival friends because even though i don't like them, and the thought of them makes me angry too, I need them to survive in school. Anyways, i thought that after half a year i would get used to it and i would be going to parties, drinking, kissing, doing normal teenager stuff, but that never happened. It was kind of the opposite. I just stopped laughing and smiling. That thing that i thought made me, me was left behind. Maybe it got stuck in the airport before i left, or in my country, but it sure didn't come with me. My fake laugh is so forced that sometimes I don't even know when i have to laugh and my friends look at me with a weird face. Everyday before I knock on the front door of my house, I stand up straight, take a deep breath, and put on a fake smile that fools absolutely no one. Laughter is the thing that always kept me going, and as I didn't have it, why should I keep going? But the thing that hurt me the most, was wondering. And I hope you believe me when I say that I am not exaggerating this or making it up, but everyday I wondered if I was ever going to laugh again. Genuinely laugh. I tried to fake laugh alone to see if my actual laughter would come out, but i was literally empty. So for me, the worst part about losing laughter, is that you lose yourself in the process, and you never know if you'll come back. I just hope i do, i kinda liked me before.
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I'm sorry to hear the laughter has gone from your life; truly that's what makes life living. Have you ever consider that your depressed? Not an unusual thing to happen when rapid change occurs, such as moving countries, leaving the familiar behind. I hope your life brighten backs up, the world is lesser without your laugh in it.
ReplyHey, yeah i mean i am not going do diagnose myself bc i hate it when people do that, but i have been going to a psychologist for almost a year now, she told me that it most probably isn't depression, just depressive episodes. Maybe if i actually talked to her she would change her mind, but i'll never do that. Either way, she isn't allowed to diagnose me. Thanks for your concern tho. I hope you never lose laughter, and you made me smile today, so that's an improvement.
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