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my father and i never had a relationship. He left me and my little sister when i was 3 for drugs. We talked a year before he left permanently. I grew up hating him. Since i was 11 i always said “if he isnt in my life by the time i was 15 im going to give up.” the same year i turn 15 my father had an aneurysm and three if his heart valves were eaten up by the chemical in meth. he just got out of rehab and it wouldn’t have killed him yet if he didnt have that stupid aneurysm he was gonna call me and my sister soon. i lived 12 hrs away from him. i remember the sound of the life support machine i remember the smell of the hospital. i also remember being so scared to enter that hospital room. i was not emotionally, physically, and mentally prepared. i had 3 panic attacks that night. if i was to total the amount of anxiety and panic attacks together i had that week it would come. close to 25 if not more, the trip scarred me. i will never be able to escape that, because after that i learned he wanted to be part of my life he just didnt want me to be part of what he was doing he didnt want me to see how low in life he was. i was in a toxic relationship at the time too and if it wasn’t almost 2 months later i was sexually assaulted by a very close friend. There is nothing in this world that will ever fill that hole in my heart that causes my heartache. i will never be the bright bubbly person i use to be. there are two points in this.
1. forgive before its too late.
2. Not everyone is as they should be.
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my father and i never had a relationship. He left me and my little sister when i was 3 for drugs. We talked a year before he left permanently. I grew up hating him. Since i was 11 i always said “if he isnt in my life by the time i was 15 im going to give up.” the same year i turn 15 my father had an aneurysm and three if his heart valves were eaten up by the chemical in meth. he just got out of rehab and it wouldn’t have killed him yet if he didnt have that stupid aneurysm he was gonna call me and my sister soon. i lived 12 hrs away from him. i remember the sound of the life support machine i remember the smell of the hospital. i also remember being so scared to enter that hospital room. i was not emotionally, physically, and mentally prepared. i had 3 panic attacks that night. if i was to total the amount of anxiety and panic attacks together i had that week it would come. close to 25 if not more, the trip scarred me. i will never be able to escape that, because after that i learned he wanted to be part of my life he just didnt want me to be part of what he was doing he didnt want me to see how low in life he was. i was in a toxic relationship at the time too and if it wasn’t almost 2 months later i was sexually assaulted by a very close friend. There is nothing in this world that will ever fill that hole in my heart that causes my heartache. i will never be the bright bubbly person i use to be. there are two points in this.
1. forgive before its too late.
2. Not everyone is as they should be.
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People say life is not all love songs and roses and ig they are right. Ik telling you to move on wont help, bc I understand that what you are going through is huge, infact I don't understand bc that is actually a lot of pain you have been through. All I can say is time heals things, it does leave a scar but shit will get better, maybe you will find "the one" or just some one who will understand you and love you. I hope you get better. Take care.
ReplyHey, i really can understand you. I grow up hating on my father who cheated on my mother and being abusive several times and got sexually assaulted by some pricks. I wish I really know you better and we can share more. I'm Asian which the culture is quite strict about honoring parents. no matter how horrible my father is, I ALWAYS have to respect him. I can never escape him even if I get married or live alone one day. I can never get rid him from my life. I only can CHANGE THE MINDSET to accept it is what it is, and just FOCUS ON MY OWN LIFE. those two things are my only weapons to survive living in this wrecked family. you are the brightest bubble as you always are. the bubble is just in shelter because the sky is gloomy. the sky is your mood and mindset. but once the rain is gone, once you're in the bright mood again, the bubble will play again :) I know sometimes we cant change our situation. we can only accept it and make our own happiness with whats left.. you are not alone, you can get thru this and be happy anytime :)
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