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I once read a quote that said "life a game made for everyone and love is a prize"..... Wake me up -Avicii
But what if I dont want love as a prize what if I'm scared of love because loving someone comes with too many responsibilities. Loving someone can hurt , loving someone can cause trust issues.
I wish I couldnt feel , because without feelings I wouldnt be able to feel no anger no sadness no happiness nothing I would rather be numb then go through pain because loving always comes with pain even with loving family because they die everyone dies
Its like a drug your addicted to and the only way out is death noone is ever fully numb everyone feels something unless your dead and noone is ever actually dead inside its just a feeling we wish we felt at least that's how I see it.
Because if I was numb I wouldnt cry when getting yelled at
If I was numb I wouldnt get hurt when someone doesnt like me back
I wouldnt have gotten hurt when I got bullied
I wouldnt have gotten hurt when he said this wasnt going to work
I wouldnt have gotten hurt when my best friend died 5 months ago
I could just be no feelings like I'm floating in the middle of the pool looking up at the sky, nothing mind as clear as water. Nothing, empty .
I know my problems arent real I'm just complaining about my life when I have nothing go complain about I'm just a self-conscious teenage girl who hates her life for not reason because I suck I know it I'm,weak I know it and if I wasnt weak then I wouldnt cry over nothing. I'm a clown with a big red nose and gigantic shoes who everyone makes fun of
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I guess that quote is subjective. Some people believe things that others laugh at. One of the perks of being an individual.
I know it's easier to give up. That having no feelings is better than feeling them at all. Every emotion has a flipside. Happy and sad, angry and scared, love and hate. That's kind of the condition we live with but as a teenager it's a hell of a lot harder because these are first time emotions. We get to see how strongly they affect us and how different they make us see the world. They allow us to live with a drive, we wanna succeed because itll bring us happiness and those we care about similar feelings. We wanna help those who hurt because we care enough to feel their pain.
It sounds easier to wanna shut it all off, to say fuck it, I'll stop feeling. But that's not living. Living, I think, is a huge cocktail of these things. Pain from losing someone yet, somber happiness when reflecting on why their passing hurt so much. A love that once was is still a good memory, tho it hurts to think about not being together, its comforting to know that it had happened and theres no what ifs.
Theres always good with the bad and right now that might not make sense. These are the most important years of your life and the things you learn and experiences you have will define the person you become. Down that road you will get a chance to help someone who was just as lost as you, you'll probably do so better than I could.
Clowns are people like you and me, they just wanna make people smile and I think that's pretty cool.
Cheers
ReplyI'm sorry. Losing a friend that way will never truly heal. I've never experienced it. But you don't want to feel numb because then when you want to feel again, you could either end up on two roads. One is where you heal properly. The other could be where you go on and on trying to find a way and inside you never end up where you truly want to be. I went the hard route because I didn't want to seem weak and I ended up cutting and wanting to die because of the notion that being numb would make me perfect. Don't fall for it. Emotions are beautiful and ok. I have faith in you.
ReplyIf you couldn't feel anything you would be a robot. You have to have emotions to learn how to deal with issues in life. You are young and your brain is still developing and you are running on hormones. The way you are dealing with things now is training for when you are older.
ReplyWake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser when I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
Reply