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I need a new perspective: When I was in about 3rd grade my brother used to throw tantrums whenever my dad would work late (at least once a week). My brother was around 3 or 4 years old. My mom would fight back and most often end up pinning him to the ground (she would hold his arms down, outspread and kneel on his back) and threaten to call the police on him. Whenever I ask my mom about this, she says she had to because my brother was out of control and that he was lashing out because he was angry about seeing my dad abuse her (my dad was very verbally abusive and slightly physically abusive - he'd shove her and rip her clothes on her body or spit on her or kick her. So he was by no means beating her but he did touch her I guess). My mom says my dads actions caused my brother's temper tantrums, and so she was forced to restrain and threaten my brother.
My question is, was what my mom did to my brother abusive, or was she just doing what she had to do? My mom says my brother was uncontrollable but I was there and I never felt like he could actually hurt anyone, he was only 3 or 4 after all. However, I'm very aware my perception could be skewed, so I'm really searching for a new perspective. Where my mothers actions appropriate for the circumstances??
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ask your brother that question
ReplyHe was definetley hurt by what happened. He's told my mom that what she did caused him pain, but rn he's 13 and still not very familiar with the word abuse. I'm not sure if I have the right to suggest it to him, especially if I'm not sure that's what it was.
Replythen, it is best to simply provide a listening ear for your brother.
in your mother's mind, she was doing the right thing no matter how misguided. forgiveness will not change what has happened, but it is a place where you can start to build something better. he needs to learn to accept that his mother was simply doing the best she could in a terrible situation with the knowledge and experience she had.
your brother needs some age old wisdom: "Accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Replyby the way, he told his mother at 13 he was hurt by her actions. that takes a lot of courage, and a lot of confidence in his mother's reaction. from what you have said, i get the impression that she may not be perfect, but she is still a good mother.
Replywhat your dad did to your mom WAS abuse, but what she did to your brother wasn't. i think. to be fair she had to restrain him but i still think she went too far, especially for a 4 year old being pinned to the ground. if hes still going through trauma from all this he can seek help
ReplyPhysical abuse people automatically assume as leaving bruises. But the minute you lay a hand on another in forms of showing authority/power that is abuse. What your mum did was abuse, there was others ways she could have limited his tantrums without pinning him to the floor.
Especially when a child is that young tantrums are expected, the term terrible 2's is there for a reason.
Stuff that happens that young to a child will affect them in later life even if they don't remember what happened fully. Talk to your brother and see how he feels about everything that's happened.
I hope your all okay now, and your dads out of the picture!
ReplyThe same thing happened to me with my brother. I feel so guilty and sad because my brother now has very bad mental health and I know it is because of his mother. But I know the reason his mother treated/treats him like that is because she went through all that stuff and she wasn't thinking straight enough or being sane enough to sit down like a regular person and contemplate the most ideal reaction. The way your mother reacted is not okay and she could've avoided harm by different responses but don't be bitter to her because she didn't know better and was going through a very tough time ( i don't know if things have changed). What you must know is you couldn't have prevented anything and I don't think it is beneficial for you to keep thinking about it, it will hurt you. My advice is to just focus on having a close bond with your brother... please put the effort in. That's all you could do, but it changes a lot. How your brother is reacting may be different to how mine did, but the advice still holds. The home environment you described is the world your brother opened his eyes to and so his thoughts and feelings probably subconsciously reflect it. You need to show him the opposite of a harsh world by having a close friendship, he's still young so he has time to grow. For you and your brother to be impacted was inevitable regardless of your mums reaction, but the degree would differ depending on it. She could've been much worse, so try to be grateful. I really do understand your struggle, and good luck.
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