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So I've never been diagnosed with OCD, which I know annoys some people, but I think I may have it. My dad doesn't believe in mental illness and stuff so its hard to look for someone who could say for sure. Also, whatever it is that's going on with me, I think I've been able to get it under control in the last few years. When it was at its worse (Middle School to about 10th grade), I'd have these horrible thoughts of me doing things that I really can't describe to people or family members, or of doing drugs which I'm terrified of, or of my family dying and I couldn't stop the thoughts they would just stick in my head and stay there. To cancel out a thought or if I said something that related to one my scenarios I would have to say "filthyword" three times in row. It wouldn't stop the thought but it would "cancel it out" I guess. Sometimes I'd have to stop everything I was doing and start saying filthyword under by breath.
I also had this thing where I had patterns I had to complete. I had to lock and unlock the door three times. And then after I walked away I'd go back to check if it was locked even though I knew it was but I had to check. When I'd go to bed, I'd have to wash my mouth twice, spit out twice without getting water on myself, touch the towel to my lips once, leave the bathroom without touching anything, smile in the mirror, turn off the light while I'm still smiling, then close the door by "tapping" it twice against the door frame. If I messed up any of this I'd have to do it all again because if I didn't my family would die in my sleep. Also when I was walking downstairs I'd have to touch the curtains evenly. So I'd brush my elbow against one curtain and then do the same to the next. If I accidentally brushed the curtain with my shoulder I'd have to do the same to the other curtain and if I touched the second curtain twice by accident I'd have to touch the first curtain again, then touch it once again ,and then touch the second curtain again to make it so it was even AND in the direction I was traveling. I'm sorry this makes no sense I know lol.
I also had intense fear of germs. I'd wash my hands at least 10 times while I was eating. Like I'd stop eating and go wash my hands again because I was convinced they were dirty. My room was the only place that was clean. If anyone in my family came in my room I'd get so upset because it wasn't clean anymore. One time by dad sat on my bed and I ripped off all my covers and slept on towels for a month. Sometimes in the night I wouldn't be able to sleep because I was so convinced everything was dirty and I'd rip all the covers off and sleep on towels on the floor.
I still have all these things but my home life has gotten a lot less stressful and its gotten to a point where I can managed them a little. I don't get as upset about my thoughts, and my patterns don't disrupt things anymore. The "clean things' cause some problems but its mostly okay. The thing is, I feel like the second my life gets stressful again everything going to come back and I'm scared. I'm going to college next year. I will sleep in a bed that it not my "clean" bed. There will be new stressors. What is my reaction going to be? I'm not even diagnosed so what can I do. How can I be sure I even have OCD what if I'm just fricking crazy. Maybe I'll see someone in college, as long as my insurance covers it and I can figure out a way of my dad not knowing because that would be embarrassing. Anyways, thanks if you read this whole thing. :)
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Sorry I'm not a lot of help with OCD, but it goes hand in hand with anxiety, so is there a deeper cause for your routine?
Have you been to a doctor or a counsellor and spoken to them about what you feel and why you do the things you do?
ReplyThere was domestic violence between my parents for 9 years which partially overlaps with the time when my "ocd" was at its worse. My mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer and started chemo at that time, so it may have been those things? Some of my "intrusive thoughts" are also related to a very bad event that I went through as I child. (I put certain words in quotes because I'm not diagnosed).
I haven't been able to see a doctor/counsellor yet-- in my family its kind of seen as "weak"-- but I want/plan to when I am in college. As long as it doesn't start getting worse again, I should be able to wait until then. Thanks so much for your help and advice!
ReplyIf you don't want your family to know, there are online services for you that you can keep more private
Good luck finding answers, I hope you find a peace of mind
ReplyExactly. I can relate to your situation so much and I feel how weird you might be feeling with this and even talking about it. I was just in 4th grade and since then till now I've been having similar kind of thoughts and doing all such things which if I don't do then I will die or anyone close to me. I used to touch my wrist with my nose and while doing so if anyone sees my then I'm dead so I did it secretly cause if I don't do that then my close ones are in danger. I used to blink my eyes 3 times intensely or else anything bad can happen. Even while walking such thgts would just pop up and say me to walk by toes or alternately by toes and feet and if I miss it then I'll lose my legs or smtg. I know it's really bizzare but I used to do this. My situation was on peak in my 10th grade I used to do more crazy stuff like this coz if I don't then I'll fail my exams. Now I'm under control coz those habits have turned to torture me mentally and give me such thgts which I can never think. I'm having difficulty in expressing whatever is in my head and it's difficult to communicate with people. My thgts eat me and I just stay dead inside my brain. And did I mention that I'm such cleaning freak that I would literally mop up the whole floor twice if I see a foot print or even any kind of dust on floor. I'll wipe everything in my room and clean it till I'm convinced that it's better now. I'll get upset if anyone else does that and I feel stressed if it's not done correctly.
As soon as I get chance to talk to doctor I'll just grab it. Please don't be so hard on yourself and talk to a professional if such thgts get too much control on you.
All the best :)
(Sorry it was too long..I couldn't help but just relate it so muchh)
ReplyI'm glad to find someone relate to! (But not so glad that we have to relate over something so stressful haha) I hope everything works out for you and thanks for the advice:)
ReplyAnxiety and OCD
I think we all getting like that with this stupid pandemic
Use gadgets keep hands busy , some that locks and unlocks
Learn a prayer to keep negative thoughts out, I feel like you a little
Reply