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a bit of my mind...
1 year ago · · Relationships, · Explicit
Honestly, this can be highly triggering. So if you have past trauma dealing with suicide, self harm or substance abuse and get triggered easily... please disregard this post. To start off, I'm really trying to be strong. I've been going through the roughest patch of life, it's crazy to think how far I've come. Two years ago, I lost a great friend to suicide. I never knew how much he really meant to me until he left my life. I fell in love with a complete and utterly asshole. we connected at first, we had so much in common. He lost his mom, and i was there for him every step of the way. I gave up everything to make him happy. we were both hurting at the time, and not like losing a friend is anywhere as hurtful as losing a loving parent. especially being as young as we were. But nobody around this valley is strong enough to go through the pain and grief of losing someone. anyways, we broke things off of course. and it took me so long to get over him, especially considering he was there for me when I wasn't broken, he was all i had left of my past life. Before i lost myself and before i turned into the person i am today. I never thought id fall for someone as deeply as i fell for him. but after everything, i met a great girl. or so i thought. she was with another girl, but they weren't doing all to great. she started flirted with me a little bit before they ended, which should've given me the idea she would do the same to me. we got really close, ended up finding out both of our lives are truly fucked up... when we got together, we both shared personal information. I shared things to her that i was only comfortable with my family and i knowing. And she did the same. we spent countless days together, making many great and unforgettable memories. her family loved me, or whatever family she had left. and my family loved her, besides my homophobic mom. we never were like other couples, we are both depressed. she tried overdosing while we were together, she got sent away for a week and a half to work on herself. i never judged her for it, because i understood where she was coming from. I was once in her position before, but more times than anyone knows. countless nights of my body turning cold and my vision getting blurry. many nights where is lied down and thought to myself ''i'm ready''. but those times, it didn't work. and i'm thankful, i guess. anyways, i tried taking her pain away. i gave up everything to be with her. we turned everything into a memory. which is so painful because not one second goes by where i don't look at something and the thought of her comes up. her friends didn't like me so much, mostly because she got alcohol and pills from them. being with me, i made her stop. they didn't like the fact that i changed her into a much more mature person. when i finally had to go see my family down south, she got short with me. after our anniversary, she asked for a break. she told me that she just needed some time to work on herself, which didn't make any sense especially considering i was 12 hours away for two more weeks. she told me that she was still mine and i was still hers and that she loved me, she just needed time. the next day, my friend sent me a screenshot of a picture of her hanging out with another girl and posting on her story saying ''isn't she the cutest ever'' ''shes going to kill me when she sees this.'' and when i confronted her about it, she said it was nothing. we figured things out, and i bought her new skating shoes and cologne. about a week went by and her mom ended up texting me saying that shes not having a controlling person date her daughter. i then told her that i personally don't think telling her to not hangout with a girl who she flirts with and they flirt with her is controlling. i also said i don't think telling your daughter not to drink or pop pills is being controlling either. my ex then texted me saying ''thank you for telling my mom complete bullshit'' and then posted on her story with her hanging out with another girl saying she was single. she couldn't even wait until i got home. anyways, i know its not right... but i want to be with her. she made me happy, and i haven't felt happy in a long time. every song, certain smell or thing reminds me of her and it just hurts. i honestly don't know what to do, all i want is to stop hurting. i just want everything to go away.
that's it i guess, please excuse my punctuation, spelling and grammar mistakes. I didn't have enough time to focus on that and express some of my thoughts.