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So I went into the school year a few years ago feeling weird. Like super tired and sad sometimes. I withdrew from everything in my life. I stopped doing things that I enjoyed because I found no pleasure in it. I recognized what I was doing and was/am so frustrated by the fact that I can’t do anything anymore because I want to feel ok. Then, I stopped. Stopped feeling. I’m not sure when it happened. I used to cry myself to sleep like any angsty teenager every night, but suddenly, I couldn’t cry. At all. I’ve tried watching sad videos and reading about sad stuff but I just can’t FEEL. I can feel pain obviously, and got into the bad habit of self harm just to make sure I wasn’t totally numb. I have friends who are nice and great but I feel like a burden to them, like I’m constantly letting them down. I also hate people, but I’ve always been that way. My mom has tried to get me to go to therapy because even she recognizes that it isn’t normal for someone to stay in their room every day all day, and cancel plans last minute because I can’t bare to get up and socialize. But she tried to get me to go before I recognized that I needed help. And now she’s stopped because I’m extraordinarily stubborn. But I need it now more than ever. Problem is, I can’t ask for help. Like, I’ve never and could never. The only way is for her to force me to go, and I have to get worse for her to try again. I don’t want to die. I mean, I don’t like living, but I don’t fancy death either. So what should I do? Any advice that does not include actually asking for help?
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It might sound a little selfish, especially coming from a stranger that you don't even know, but I've been there. I've also felt so deprived that I sometimes questioned if I was really living. But I advise that you take some time to work on yourself. It sound like you've been through a lot, so treat yourself. Take walks, do some skin care, or binge some movies you've forgotten about. Your mother may not understand, but I think that you should focus on yourself for a while, and simply do what you want. You might just be surprised how much better you can feel after treating yourself. And it's okay not to have any friends, it just proves how much stronger you are by yourself! I hope that things change for you, and you find your happiness in life! Until then,
-S.E
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