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slipping away more and more
1 month ago · · Depression, · Explicit
Ive never done anything like this before but I figured Id try. I am 22 years old. My first memory was at the age of 3 and it was abuse. By 5 years old I was getting verbally and physically abused everyday. I was terrified of my stepfather and I had no idea who my real dad was. But i had this abusive father figure on top of another family member who I wont name or give a title too. But by 8 my mom divorced my steptdad aka my little sisters dad. I still had this other family member whos actually still here in the household haha. Anyway I spent my whole childhood scared, angry, terrified, just everything you could name. Most kids played hide and seek with their friends. I played hide and seek literally. I would run and hide and my stepdad and other family member would seek for me. But when they found me it wasnt anything but horror in my eyes. My mom spent a lot of her time working so she wasnt home much. My real dad left me by the age of 1 so he could drink and get high. My mom left my little sisters dad because he was too busy snorting my riddilin and beating me up. Ive been a felon since 13 but convicted at 14. I have multiple charges from felonies to misdameanors. Ive been hospitalized as in 5150'd i believe 4 or 5 times. I have more failed suicide attempts on my back then fingers and toes on my body. IJ was molested by my cousin at 11 in the phillipines. Just a few years ago in 2016 I got back with my Ex. We found each other again when we were both down really bad. I was using full blown again. I was beyond skinny and malnourished and she wasnt looking good either. we nursed each other back to life. Then she got pregnant and everything started to change. 3 years we were together. and in those 3 years I was clean for 2 of them. I became a lab technician, I did everything in my power to change and show her I loved her. I lived and changed for her and our son. But it didnt stop her from leaving. And she found someone else very quickly. Either she had him before our separation or I was just easily replaceable. Now my son barely wants to talk too me. He always wants to go with his grandma. Its almost blank when I look into his eyes. I did everything for them. Including living. I loved this woman, my WIFE, the mother to my son. I gave up drugs, gang life, NEGATIVITY FOR HER AND OUR SON. Ive done things I cant even speak on to protect her, and our family. Now Im just destroyed. She put me back together only to destroy me in the end. Ive dealt with pain before but nothing like this. Im also a dual diagnosis poly-substance abuse and bipolar with psychotic features. I dont believe in god and no I wont start. He left me like my real dad. At least my real dad came back when i was 11 or 12. Yes he was clean too. He said it was always the plan to come back in my life but when he was clean. so not even a year has passed since my wife left me and found someone new i believe it was august or september when we separated. Then a 5150 in December, January i crash 2 cars 6 hours apart and got locked up for a dui. February hits and my dad dies... March comes and I really should have died but i suffered a severe traumatic brain injury. which lead to a epedural hematoma. My brain shifted 8mms and I had fragments of my skull embedded in my brain. The doctors called it divine intervention for me surviving that. My son barely recognizes me and calls some other dude I dont even know his dad. My wife technically still denies that she broke me and wont ever will. The only person in the world who shared the same blood as me and fully understood me is now in an urn. I knew that my life was bad growing up and the pain I went through wasnt easy.... but this isnt just simply pain anymore, this is suffering. Even with all this suffering even if we actually get divorced, Ill still honor our vows. I havnt had sex in over a year and half and i was still with my wife and no romance was there. She didnt want too and I wasnt going to push the issue. I could keep going but this isnt a novel nor can i see straight enough to accurately keep typing. But to my wife JP and my son JD I love you both unconditionally. I know ive said and done really bad things to you and others but i meant every word when i said and still say I love you and you were the only woman for me. your name is on every scar and the indent on the write side of my head where i caved it in at. My son I love you unconditionally too. This is pretty much just a summary of my life. not even close to half of it. My sanity is gone like my dopamine. I hope someone can find positivity within these negative lines. Ive always wanted to help people thats why i studied psychology. Find some light within these dark words.