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i havent felt this out of control of my life in years. about 4 years, maybe? in the darkest time of my life, i would cut my wrists and thighs, hoping that if my pain was physical, then it was more valid. when i broke that habit, life started to genuinely look up for me. however, in the last month, i feel like my life has been crashing down. i feel so out of control, out of my own body, and i feel like im just watching someone fuck up everything ive built. it was something so small, yet it pushed me over the edge. i felt so disconnected from my body, and i couldnt feel anything except for the stinging on my wrist. its a feeling that i missed, but now that ive enabled it within myself, i dont know what to do. everyone thinks im doing better. i havent told anyone about it. i went from 1,000 something days to zero again, all because i feel like i have no control over my emotions. i feel so lost, and i dont know what to do. i cant be the person i was 4 years ago.
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First, you're not. I can ensure you that. Because you could do a lot of things for yourself since then.
Second, don't be afraid, life is a path with its downs and ups, so even if we want to always feel we're in the ups, we can be in the downs as well. And that doesn't mean we had failed. That's important to have in mind.
Third, we can only count with ourselves when tough times are visiting us, this means, we surely need to build a refuge within us when those times comes: a place where we can safe peace so we can use it every time we need it (this mean, even in the good times we can make use of our peace within). And how is that place build? Well, I am in the same path as you. Trying to build it, and I think I'm doing it, even by inch (which is totally okay).
I don't know about self harm, I only know that I felt the wants when I wanted to give my rage a way out the other day (I amcurrebtly doing therapy); I only did it once a long long time ago, and I regretted it. But that's not the point here. THE THING IS I think self-harm is distracting you from what is important. So if you do it, you won't get the chance to figure things out. It's my humble (and maybe mistaken) opinion. Besides the fact that causes a level of satisfaction that is addictive, just like food does. So, we replace our body's urge to be heard with some addiction. Usually, our body is the messenger of our real inner feelings. So maybe this time you gotta hear what it has to say. People recommend to do this with the company of a professional (a good one). I am doing it.
I hope somehow this can help you. And forget the useless idea of "what others might think", because besides the fact that is useless, it complicates your state of mind, which is not helpful, AND people that really love us well, won't think anything, they would only show us love.
Go for it now!!
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