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relapse (tw: self harm)
1 month ago · · Stressed out, · Explicit
i havent felt this out of control of my life in years. about 4 years, maybe? in the darkest time of my life, i would cut my wrists and thighs, hoping that if my pain was physical, then it was more valid. when i broke that habit, life started to genuinely look up for me. however, in the last month, i feel like my life has been crashing down. i feel so out of control, out of my own body, and i feel like im just watching someone fuck up everything ive built. it was something so small, yet it pushed me over the edge. i felt so disconnected from my body, and i couldnt feel anything except for the stinging on my wrist. its a feeling that i missed, but now that ive enabled it within myself, i dont know what to do. everyone thinks im doing better. i havent told anyone about it. i went from 1,000 something days to zero again, all because i feel like i have no control over my emotions. i feel so lost, and i dont know what to do. i cant be the person i was 4 years ago.