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It started in the elementary school, with a long time friend. Let's call him "Jack". I decided I would be nice and that I would introduce him to one of my only friends. The three of us met and hung out, but afterwards Jack said that he didn't care for my friend much. I thought that was fine, and went about my business. But after that, Jack decided he would start hanging out with my friend constantly. They'd do all sorts of things together, and neither of them would invite me. As time went on I slowly but completely lost contact with my friend, although I remained close to Jack.
Fast forward to grade six. Because of my relation to Jack, I found myself in a decently sized friend group. We both joined at the same time, but I hit it off a little better than he did. I got closer to some of the more popular ones and we hung out regularly. Jack didn't like this and in group conversations he'd kind of try to put me down or interrupt me or just stop me from talking. Eventually he found out that I had a crush on one of the girls in the group. I used to talk to her when I'd get a chance at school. Jack found out, and he'd force his way in between us, monopolize the conversation, and whenever I got a word in he would make me feel stupid for saying anything at all. This sparked a variety of conflicts throughout grade eight, where I made new friends, socialized more, and became closer to a lot of those people. Jack also made a number of new friends in this group. Throughout the year, we would go back and forth, excluding each other from events and Hangouts to see who would crack first. Eventually, through Jack and a few other people, my crush found out about my feelings and rejected me. I completely lost contact with her and Jack took over that relationship. I had had enough, so a planned a day where I would invite the entire group to go somewhere, including Jack. But, I would plan it for a specific day when I knew Jack would be busy and I made sure to give him as little notice as possible. Things went well from the start, but eventually Jack just showed up after saying last minute that he could make it. The usual things followed suit (monopolizing the conversation, pushing me out of the way both physically and in conversation). Eventually, I managed to salvage the situation and come out as what I saw to be "victorious". The year ended with me getting a girlfriend. I was cocky and arrogant, and I used my new confidence and popularity to essentially do to Jack what he had done to me. I teased him, made fun of him. Some of it was justified, some of it wasn't. But my girlfriend was horrible and I didn't know it yet because of a lack of experience, and after calling me a bad boyfriend (even though I really wasn't. I gave her everything she could've wanted. In fact, I think she used me to make someone else jealous) she dumped me and then started messing around with my best friend almost immediately. My life spun out of control and I was depressed for several months.
Then freshman year started, and Jack was making a lot of friends. I was removed from all social connection, save my ex. I was delusional. I didn't know she was messing around with my best friend. I blindly hoped that she would come running back. Eventually I came to my senses and realized I needed to make friends and reconnect with people in the group, which was now completely controlled by Jack and another person. I slowly started reconnecting and I was doing okay for a while. However, in large group Hangouts, I was still quiet. The only person I would talk to was my "best friend" (the one messing around with my ex). But the one girl controlling the group with Jack took interest in me and flirted with me for a while. I thought something might come of it and I thought that a relationship with her would make me social and confident again. I was wrong. She turned on me and started bullying me out of nowhere. There was also a fight in the group. I stood up for myself (rather poorly, I should say), and started a fight with this girl that still is going on to this day. After that, the bullying got worse. I would be made fun of for anything I'd say. If I didn't say anything, I'd be made fun of for being quiet. I tried desperately to defend myself, but I was not used to directly dealing with people. I was used to building relationships and essentially playing politics in order to gain more power in the group. This is when I REALLY went off the rails.
From winter of freshman year to like spring of sophomore year, I went a bit mental. I began referring to this conflict between this girl, Jack, and I as a "war". I began thinking of myself almost as a country at war with other countries and I got big into military music. From Vietnam era rock to German Soldatenmusik, I listened to it all. I tried thinking of "get rich quick" schemes, except instead of wealth I wanted confidence. I got big into spiritualism, self help (the kind that isn't that helpful but rather just makes some motivational guy rich), affirmations, and some weird self created rituals. By rituals I mean wearing clothes that I thought would bring good luck and avoiding those that I thought would bring bad luck, listening to music that I liked when I was confident, watching a movie several times over just because I thought it would make me "me" again, etc (you know, normal things lol). I also asked for a counselor because I thought she would quickly solve all of my problems and I could go back to being myself. Things only really got better when I got a girlfriend.
She treated me extremely well and was probably one of the nicest people I've met. Soon after, I slowly phased myself from the group after realizing that there was no way I could win the "war" and that I was completely losing myself. At this point, my sense of self was practically non existent. I had social anxiety, which came from being bullied for so long over what I'd say and do. I couldn't talk to anyone without getting seriously sick, save my immediate family and my girlfriend. I started to reclaim myself, though. I got big into the arts and stuff like that. It made me feel better about myself and it gave me meaning. But I still have unfinished business.
Every now and then I see Jack, but it's been a while and I think he must've moved. I do not see the girl anymore. Sometimes I'll hear things that she says about me through the grapevine, but I try not to care anymore.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I think getting all these feelings out will maybe help me feel better, but then again I don't know. I've tried a lot of things and I haven't ever been able to be "me" again. I think as humans and conscious beings we have weird perceptions of self, especially in the developmental years.
Who's to say that my authentic self is confident? I mean, maybe it was, but it surely isn't now. I wanted so badly to be great again. I wanted to feel fulfilled and triumphant again. But instead, I've spent the past years essentially getting comfortable with the new me. It's been painful. How am I supposed to swallow this pill? When it seems like I have all this potential for greatness, why should I stop short? But I know that in reality I'm not stopping short. This is just who I am now... Whether I like it or not. It's crazy how other people can change you so easily, but you can never match that kind of influence over yourself.
I still find myself involved in these "wars". I've spent so long playing pretend that it's become standard protocol and it's become a bad habit. But I guess that, in a sense, I am Sisyphus. I am condemned to overcome myself and reclaim myself, just as he was condemned to roll the bolder up to high heights. And when all my progress comes to naught, I have to embrace the meaninglessness. This is my life now. I must imagine myself happy.
Please comment if you have ever dealt with situations like this in a group environment, or if you have ever lost yourself. I think it'd be interesting and helpful to hear your stories as well.
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