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I can’t wait till my parents see that my “teen tantrums” were a cry for help and that all the times they laughed and yelled at my tears, I’ve went into my room hitting, cutting, scratching myself because I’m such a stupid piece of shit to think they genuinely care. I can’t wait till I’m gone, I doubt I’ll ever see the day I turn 21. I’m past the whole “I’m running away” thing. For comfort, I tell myself that I’ll be gone, no one will find me, and then I won’t matter. But I hate that it’s selfish of me to die. I’m on the path of completely giving up on life and myself, and then I’ll reach my end goal.
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Hi
ReplyI know how you feel, but I know that you won't believe me if I don't tell you a little about my own experiences first. one of my first memories is That of my father coming home drunk with his mistress and hitting me, my mom and my grandmother, then there is a big blank in my memory but the next thing I remember is the courthouse and my father giving money to the judge. Then we moved and I heard nothing from him for over 12 years ( until I was 16). the next years of my live were spent at a new city where I was bullied relentlessly ( until the point were I spent an entire year eating in the handicapped stall ), during those years of my live I used to come to my house and was beaten by my moms then boyfriend. I first started to fantasize about my own death at 12, every night for many years while I cried myself to sleep. after I was 16 some things changed but those feelings were still there, I started med school and was a great student but I coundnt escape the loneliness, so I turned to drugs, licor and partying with my so called friends.
im now 22, I turned my live around, im sober, had to start my career from scratch, so once again I had to start college.
I tell you all this so you can understand that there are other people that feel as you do, and that one of those people is telling you that it can really change, but the hard part is that its your choice. life is hard but it has many things that are wonderful, the thing is that some times we just see what we want to see and ignore all the good things that happen beside us. I know that some times it seems that there is a hole in our heart and that it seems that it can't be filled, but that's just a feeling, and it CAN CHANGE. find something that makes you happy and do it.
There is a saying that says fake it until you make it, stop saying that you are sad, stop dreaming about your own death, when ever you feel bad just say to yourself that you are happy, try forcing yourself to see at least one thing that is good everyday. And when you least expect it you will find yourself doing it automatically. If you don't want to see your parents you will see that once you start your own life that its going to be your own choice and that if you so want they don't have to be part of your own live. DONT give someone power over your emotions, because everyone has problems so you shouldn't allow those problems to weigh on you.
ReplyThank you, it feels so hard to imagine my life getting better now because I’m so stuck on the whole I won’t make it thing and it’s so hard doing things that used to make me happy because there’s always that thought in the back of my head. I’m glad that you turned your life over, I’ve always wondered how people who were like me got through with these thoughts and issues
Replyits always there, the voice. but you learn to tune it out. and yea its hard to find things that make you Happy right now but some times you have to force yourself not to get stuck on that cycle.
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