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I used to be a very loving person in relationships. I was very passionate and caring. Then I met her.
She was horrible. She would tell me that I had to hold her hand more, put my arm around her more, etc. When I would go to do these things, she would humiliate me by acting genuinely scared. Not to get laughs or anything. I have no clue why she did this. She would call me the woman in the relationship and would tell me to be more like my friends. Oh by the way, she flirted with my friends. She would lay all over them, hold their hands, only pay attention to them, WHILE WE WERE DATING. WHILE I WATCHED. Anyway, one day she dumped me over text and started messing around with one of my friends behind my back.
I was depressed for months. I had suicidal thoughts. A few times, I held a knife to my wrist, crying. I don’t think I was ever actually going to cut. I remember doing it in order to tempt god into bringing her back to me so that I wouldn’t end it all. Luckily for me, god did absolutely nothing. It was better that way. She would tell me that she missed and loved me, but when I asked her to get back together, she rejected me. Eventually, she came crawling back and I rejected her. It didn’t matter to her though; she was still fooling around with my friend.
Fast forward to today: I have a girlfriend. I feel nothing for her. I have tried pretty hard to feel any love or affection for her but I literally can’t manage it. I date her both because she can connect me with other people that I want to be friends with and I delusionally hoped that she could save me and breathe life back into my heart. I was wrong. Now I date her out of strategy. When I tell her I love her, I say it out of habit. Before that, I only said it because she wanted to hear it.
I hate hate hate having to see her when I’d much rather be doing something else. I only go because if I don’t she’ll get hurt. Sometimes I slip and make sarcastic remarks about being excited to see her and stuff like that in front of others (but never her). When I’m with her I’m either just being a friend or wearing a mask. If I have to show affection or show love, I act. I’m a good actor. I know what she wants to hear and see and I give it to her. I have a fake smile and fake voice I use in those instances. I deliberately sound happy and optimistic and smile for her sake and mine.
This is no failure on her part. She is one of the most loving and accepting people I know. She’s not perfect, but she’s probably the best I’ve had. But I don’t feel bad for her, because I treat her right. I will gladly take my secret to my grave. She never has to know how I really feel.
Honestly, I think I’m better off with her. My mood would be pretty much the same either way, so I might as well have her around for her strategic advantages. I’m not mean to her. I don’t manipulate her. She’s happy as far as I can tell, and I’m okay with that.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I like to think that I’m normal in other instances and that I’m not a sociopath or anything, but I’m not sure. I don’t know why I would be, but when I think about feeling bad for other people, I just typically don’t. They’d have to be close family members for me to really care about them out of love. Otherwise, I think I only care about what happens to people because of how it might affect me and my status... I’m not sure though. I can’t tell what to think about empathy or stuff like that. I’m not even really sure what it is.
I still experience other emotions sometimes, but not super frequently.
I still want to be with her. People around me pressure me and make me feel bad for not having a relationship (parents included😁😊) and if I didn't have her I would barely talk to any of my peers ever. I don't really text anyone except for like her now. She's the only person I talk to consistently. With everyone else, I either think they secretly hate me or I secretly hate them. So yeah, guess I'm pretty good at communicating my feelings lol.
Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before? Any advice on how to feel again? It might be a matter of finding the right person, who knows?? Anyways, please help.
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First thing; No offence but you are doing too wrong with her..I mean you don't feel for and you are just keeping her bcoz ppl around u pressurize u!! Though I am sorry for your relationship which made u feel depressed...but just think what if one day she realises that u do not have feelings for her....she will feel the same as u did (with your former gf)....and yess u need to find the right person..and u will get her only when it is time coz nothing happens before it is timed.
All the best for ur future!
Stay Strong!
ReplyI think it is unfair to your girlfriend. She shows you genuine love and care but you aren't.
ReplyYes, it's unfair to your girlfriend if you don't love her. You need to stop being selfish and let her go. She will be hurt but she deserves better than someone who's faking it.
As for you, maybe therapy will help. You need to get over your core issues first before you will be able to "open" yourself to others again.
Replyif you don't feel anything for her, you should leave and try to work on yourself and your past trauma and try to confront your past pain from your last relationship so you're in the state to be in a relationship with genuine love where you feel something for her
ReplyBeing in a relationship is hard! I love my partner for 75% of the time. Sometimes I look at him and go, really? Personally it comes down to sex, if it’s shit you’ve got nothing going on, you’re supposed to be with them ‘forever’ and it only gets lazier and worse!!!
ReplyBefore I got to the part where you say you are not a sociopath I already had decided you are one. If you can't feel love you must be a sociopath and if you are with her because it serves your best interest to do so then you are definitely a sociopath.
ReplyI doubt you'll be able to keep this up forever. The mask will probably wear off eventually, or maybe strip off suddenly following unpredictable life scenario/s. In that case it will no longer be beneficial to either of you.
ReplyThe day she comes to know you don't love her, she will regret investing all her time and energy on you.
You think you aren't wrong really?
Keep yourself in her shoes ,how would you feel if the same thing she would do to you.
If she ever gets to know you don't love her, she may find it difficult to trust any other person again.
Don't you think she deserves true love.
I have had a person like you in my life, who till end stayed in my life saying he loves me, saying I love you day and night.
And one fine day he just says everything is over,I never loved you.
And Today if any guy approaches me, I remember what he did and never feel like being around a guy again.
No Matter how good that person may be I would not waste my true emotions and love again.
You should tell her the truth ,let he love her life with someone who truly loves her.
Reply