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I'm thinking about cutting
1 year ago · · Self Harm · Explicit
I have been friends with the same group of people since elementary school (I'm starting high school in the fall). That has been my close friend group for all 3 years of middle school and we've gotten along for so long. Earlier this year I realized I'm not straight and now I'm questioning my sexuality but everyone else in the group is straight and have never questioned. A few weeks ago I made a joke about one of the members never even questioning her sexuality and the whole group took it really badly. One of the people (who I have never been super close with and have always had a bad feeling about) messaged me a day after I made the joke. She made it a really big deal and made herself seen like the victim even though she wasn't the one who the joke was about. Then she kinda confirmed that the group had been talking behind my back (which I had been suspicious of for a long time because I have seen them do it to others and I was the least important person in the group. I was always the one walking on the grass because there isn't enough room on the sidewalk. I also have also always felt like I don't belong. Like a gut feeling that won't go away.) I tried to apologize to her and downplay it all. Then I apologized to the person the joke was about. Finally I decided I had enough and I would leave the group once I found a new group after school started. I had a super bad few days and was super sad and mentally unstable yet somehow I didn't tell my parents (who I am very close with). I got sick of the hurt so I just left even though I didn't have another group yet (when I say left, I left a group chat with everyone who was truly in the friend group). I did a bit better after that. Its been a few weeks since then and I've been up and down. Today I had a really bad day without any reason and I really want to cut and self harm. This is my way to stop myself from doing that. I don't have depression and I'm not about to self diagnose but I have been thinking of killing myself. Not seriously, it's just there. The thought. What would other people think? What would my family do? How would I do it? What is it like to die? Would it hurt? I have also been thinking about cutting myself. More and more seriously ever since the drama with the friend group. Today has been the day I have been most likely to do it ever. My parents still have no idea. I just need someone to talk to. So I don't cut. I hope everyone else is having a better day, thanks for reading.