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Hi! I'm not the best with writing, but I got bored and was really depressed. I said screw it and just write. Something. I won't pour out my ENTIRE life on this site, but hopefully it might help others in a similar position. Well, I guess I can start with my biological father. He isn't exactly in the picture. In the past, he would verbally abuse me. A few summers ago, I had visited him. I had brought up the fact that I wasn't exactly comfortable and wanted to go home. He cursed me out.. In public. I haven't talked to him since. I just found out he may be strung out on heroine again and is possibly homeless. A part of me wants to feel bad for him, but at this point... He doesn't seem to care what I have to say or think. Let's just say, no matter how much I want to deny it, it's taking a toll on me. I recently moved to California, so I don't have a new therapist or any friends I can vent to since they all left me in the dirt. I'm tired though. I basically have no one but this site. I'm having trouble sleeping more than I did in the past. I stay up at night worried about my father. If he just overdoses on the side of the rode, or something far worse. I've had this reoccuring "nightmare" where I walk in on his lifeless body on the floor, and my younger self repeatedly trying to shake him awake. It doesn't help with the fact that the sleep deprivation has become more aware during the day either. I'm spacing out in the middle of nowhere and getting light headed and almost passing out. I'm only eating one meal a day. I don't self harm anymore either. Nor do I trust anybody that tries to help me get better. My mother said I'm going to end up just like him one day.. My stepdad lays around all day when he's not at work or when he gets home. I'll literally bust my BEHIND cleaning and what-not ,then when I go to relax it's always, "Get your lazy ass up now! Stop laying around all day and be useful!" Like, what am I suppose to do? I'm beyond stressed at this point and I'm getting to the point where I'm turning into my old self again. My past is not something I plan on bringing into this mess right now.. I'm so tired right now. I'm so drained. It's getting to the point where I just honestly could care less about anything. Please, if any of you could help me with this mess I call a life, it would be greatly appreciated. And hopefully, others can do SOMETHING with this.. Anyways, peace out.
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I'll be reading the comments in my free time if any of you want to drop some useful info! Thank you guys for reading my problems.
ReplyI know this is just going to sound like stupid nonsense, but I have gone through quite a bit of stuff in my life. And sometimes escaping reality Is the only thing that I can resort to. Even if I feel numb, sometimes the best thing to do is to just go and get somewhere where I feel comfortable and meditate or take a few deep breaths. It can help you become relaxed and sometimes a good Netflix movie can get your mind off things. But when it comes to your father. No, I don't think you should completely stop caring about him but you also shouldn't stress yourself about his actions. You are a very humble and caring person to worry about him but he chose to curse out his child when they told him they were uncomfortable then maybe it is best to stay out of his business. But it is perfectly ok if you want to give him a call and see if he changed. If he did then maybe you guys can make up and actually have a good relationship but if he still refuses the fact that he has a child that has feelings and is worried about him then maybe its best to stay away from him. Because, now you are free from his grasp and you aren't trapped in a household with him. He is an adult and should know to make good choices so if he chooses to abandon his child then that's ok. You deserve to sleep at night, know your self worth and understand the things he said are not you. He is his own person and can decide if he wants to keep being like this or not. Yes, it is ok to support him but please don't baby him. Now, about the eating thing. I understand sometimes it's hard to get the motivation to do things like eat, shower, etc. But it is important as cheesy as that sounds. One day, you're going to be out of this mess, believe me. You're going to have people who care for you and be getting full nights of sleep with a job that you're actually exited to go to. And maybe even a significant other. It will be ok. Take care, I know this probably didn't help but I tried <3. (Sorry, I'm not good at this type of thing. I'm just some silly teen off the internet. Plus, I'm sorry if my grammar or punctuation isn't the best. I am writing this at 5 Am.)
ReplyMake a practical plan for the future of how you will live by yourself in the future. I hope you get to move out 🙏 but also you said you weren’t self harming but you kind of are with the starving. Find some online friends to vent to, we’ll you have here so it’s fine, and as for your dad he chose the path he did intentionally and it’s not your problem to worry over the choice he made.
It sounds insensitive but slowly don’t try to worry yourself too much about him.
ReplyI think that your dreams that have been re-occurring won't stop until you resolve the problem with your father. Who cares if he doesn't listen, tell him how you really feel about him. Pour out your emotions, let him know about the dreams you had about him to show him that you care deeply, if he doesn't care, fine. You did your part, right? It might bring you somewhat comfort knowing that you left by saying what you had to say. I have been through situations like these and I can assure you, waking up every day is hard, I feel you. Even just fluttering your eyes open in the morning feels like a great toll of energy to be required. We are all in this together. Today might feel intense just like any other day but look at the things you appreciate the most. What do you appreciate? Who do you appreciate? What makes you want to live? What excites you? What do you need right now that can make you feel content and at least satisfied? Reflect and don't forget that you only live once and you don't need to give a f*ck about anybody who doesn't appreciate you. I appreciate you and I don't even know you at all, I feel connected with you because I can relate with so much bullsh*it. Trust me, life will ALWAYS go on. You'll find your purpose, peace, and value, if not now, you will soon. You have to trust yourself and breathe. Slow down the process. Overthinking does nothing but increase anxiety. Try something new, a hobby. I hope things go well for you. I am here for you, stranger.
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