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Tonight I sit here and wonder what it would feel like to let a blade gently touch the surface of my skin. I wonder what it feels like for my skin to tear ever so slightly. And with the tear the anger, guilt, and frustration that would be released from my body. I sit here and wonder what it would feel like to have all the anxiety and depression I have stripped away with one fatal cut. I wonder who would miss me. I wonder if it will end my suffering and put it on someone else. I wonder if the tears running down my face would be guilt or relief. Would I love the way the blade feels against my skin? Would I want to try it again? Would I fall in love with the idea that something gives me intense pain to the point of pleasure? Would it lead to more intense enjoyment like addiction. My pain is temporary, but will I get through the temporary. I suffer in silence. I walk around joyful and upbeat. I was recently told my presence lights up the room like sunshine. But they don’t know the pain I feel within. The cover ups I put on so the outside world won’t see how many times I cry in a day. So they won’t see how much I crave the intense pain that would come with a blade cutting my skin. I aspire to feel the happiness that is flowing around me. I strive to be the happiness my friends crave from me. Happiness at this point is synonymous with hopelessness. At this point I have no idea what it feels like to be lost in the moment.
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Wondering the same, will I feel better cutting my self
ReplyTrust me it doesn't make anything better. At first maybe you think it does but you become numb to the pain. It is like an addiction, it's ugly and unstoppable and creates scars that will just cause you to feel worse. And it's a terrible thing to rely on something so painful for happiness. The more you do it the worse it becomes and the more you think about it and the more it corrupts your mind until it's all that is left and all that happy that you're able to pretend will dissappear.
It's not a good thing to start, I suggest you seek help before it gets to the point where you start. It's only going to get worse without help from other people and the longer you wait and the more scar filled you become. The harder it becomes to tell people. The more scared you become that people will find out. Your life plummets from that point on and it's a spiral that you just don't want to start.
Please get help, talk to someone.
ReplyIt would appear I commented on the wrong post. Ain't that fun?
Deriving pleasure from pain is something I'm not sure I get one hundred percent.
There are two ways I could interpret that and I'm gonna go with one. We are all here for our own specific reasons but I can guarantee you that more than half of our problems would start getting better if we just trusted our loved ones with our pain. We love them for a reason and I'm sure it's not because they want us to hurt.
You dont have some obligation to be the sunshine in the room. That can reflect badly on others. What if someone looks up to you? They'd tell themselves that you never hurt and if you do you never tell anyone. They'd be in the same shoes and who knows if they'd have the strength you do. You owe it to yourself first and foremost to get better. To overcome this pleasure you get from hurting yourself.
Hurting yourself does nothing, it escalates. It gets worse and it isnt ever enough. You're substituting pain for pain. I know the physical pain is easy to endure, but when we become reliant on bad habits, it seeps into our life with others. Soon you're no longer hurting externally and what then? Tell them it's nothing? Let the worry make them sick?
We do all these mental gymnastics so we dont have to say to our loved ones "I'm not okay". Why would we wanna? It makes us a burden on them. It tells them the life they gave us isnt enough to stave off the pain inside. So you suffer this pain alone to save them from bringing them pain. But that just isnt how it works. Relationships are two sided, so everytime you let yourself suffer so they dont have too, you forget that they would do the same. Tou may not want them too, but unfortunately you can't choose for them. They will tell you that they'd suffer for you in a heartbeat. That is family, that is friendship. It's an agreement to face the hardship of life together.
My point is, you need to open up to them and tell them you're not ok. You'd be surprised how liberating it really is to just fall apart in front of your loved ones. They'd take pride in helping you pick up the pieces.
If theres anything you'd like to talk about let me know, I'm here as often as I can be
Replywow that was super emotional to read
just to clear the air i’m fine now
ReplyI have a tendency to project my emotions when its about certain topics. I hope it wasn't bad in anyway.
That's awesome to hear, how about we cheers to that? Audible clank
Replyi really do appreciate your comment
clanks to that!
ReplyDon't cut yourself. You could give yourself an infection, get Sepsis, and lose limbs. Hospitals have enough to do with people getting in accidents etc. They don't need people who self-inflict injuries.
ReplyThank you for all the kind responses, I know I'm responding late but I do work night shift.
I wanted to address the "They don't need people who self-inflict injuries."
Someone who is actively going through any sort of major depressive disorder, psychosis, or extreme anxiety would lose it over this comment. I may have looked into it a little too deeply and if I did my sincerest apologies.
My post was hypothetical (in regards to the self injury)
Again if I looked into your comment too deeply let me know and we can have a chat, thanks!
Reply