What are you looking for?
10 months ago · · Extreme Depression
Where do I even start?
1. I've never owned a car
2. I've never had my own place (apartment/trailer/house)
3. I've never held a job for an entire year
4. I've never had a lasting relationship
5. I've never been motivated by money
6. I've only be motivated by possessions when it comes to things like trading cards. Back in the day I used to buy hundreds of dollars worth of pokemon and yugioh cards.
7. I never got the chance to see either of my boys grow up.
8. I've never managed to keep any meaningful friendships. I don't even have any friends. I've had 3 friends in my entire life.
9. In school, I was never motivated to do the work.
10. I've been hurt badly and I've hurt others, even those who didn't deserve it. Though I have hurt a few people who did absolutely deserve it. Like my uncle who is a pedometer. Had no problems hurting him.
11. I have no will or inner strength, I'd honestly say I never have had it to begin with.
12. I've wasted years on breakups.
13. My only real motive in this life was to break the cycle of abuse that I was born into, I failed miserably.
14. I have no dreams nor goals anymore. I don't see the point in having them, considering I always fail anyway.
15. I've given up at this point. I just gotta accept that I'm going to die alone and unloved.
16. I've never cared about being successful and at this point, there's no reason to even try.
17. I haven't had a job in over 10 years.
18. It's hard for me to even care for my body, let alone much of anything else.
19. The only things and people I have cared about, I've managed to lose.
20. I loathe myself and I wish I were dead and I've tried many times to get dead. Couldn't even succeed in that.
21. I've been a smoker since 2004.
22. I could never be just a normal person. So many things are broken inside me. The damage is endless.
23. I was never enough for anyone. Not my parents, not love interests, not the few friends I had.
24. I can't let go of my past. I literally can't, I have tried and like everything else in this life, I failed.
25. I'm ugly, I'm lanky, I'm fat and I have a huge forehead.
26. I'm lethargic, not just lazy, lethargic. I guess I always have been.
27. I'm just a monster.
So those are the major ones that come to mind.
Why would anyone ever choose to love something like me? Why would a woman choose to spend her life with me? Why would either of my boys want anything to do with me? Why would any employer consider hiring me?
I'm just being honest here. People will say I'm being too negative or pessimistic, but this is literally who I am. I'm just a worthless sack of skin that never contributes anything good back. I'm just a parasite, a monster and I absolutely despise myself for every way that I've failed, for everyone I've lost.
Nothing is going to change that. Not God, not therapy, not pills, nothing.