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I gotta honestly wonder what's not wrong with me. Here, let me show you what I mean.
Extreme Depression: Treatment resistant, existential, chemical, cognitive.
High functioning anxiety: treatment resistant, constant paralysis or freezing, avoidance of any and all conflict (with others or alone)
Codependency: willingness to sacrifice myself for a romantic partner, never asserting my own needs or boundaries (I don't generally have boundaries in love beyond not cheating)
Borderline personality disorder: when I am functioning somewhat normal, my mood can swing from being highly optimistic to completely pessimistic. I have troubles believing my partner wants to be with me (when I have one), it's kind of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
C-PTSD: Haunted by the several forms of trauma I've endured, ranging from abuse, neglect, lose of a child, breakups, and even trauma that I inflicted onto others.
Narcissistic tendencies: I do want and need assurance and it how I get self worth, when someone actually needs me to do something. I don't want to be the center of attention and I can admit I've hurt others so it's not full blown NPD.
Failure to launch syndrome: Also known as Peter Pan syndrome, I've never managed to have a running life, job, vehicle, home, partner, emotional stability, support network etc etc etc.
Previous suicide attempts: well over 100 different attempts in at least 12 different ways.
Anti-theist: Believing in a God is just not for me. I've been through way too much in this life, seen others go through even worse, watched society crumble and in between all of it, I just cannot believe that some greater being is watching over us or has our best interests at heart. Plus it really doesn't help that religion is all man made. Every single one. (If you believe in a God, that's great. I don't)
Every time I look into my personality, I find more and more things that are wrong with me and I quickly lose sight of them because there's just so many things wrong with me and it's pathetic.
I utterly loathe myself for who I am and these doctors wonder why they can't seem to break me. I am unbreakable, because I'm already so very broken.
I can 5ry to build a foundation, but for me, I have to build everything, every foundation. My life, friendship, love, employment, financial, material, all of it.
How am I supposed to operate when I know so much stress would be on my shoulders, should I choose to change my lifestyle.
I know all the basic steps, as I've said before. But let's be honest here, I'm more than half way through my life and building from ground zero feels so pointless because at any moment it could all be swept away.
There is so much wrong with me and I hate it. I hate me. I hate this life, this body, this mind, these thoughts, these emotions, every single thing possible, actions, decisions, choices, paths, events, all of it. I hate all of it and I can't stop hating all of it. I've tried and tried, there just is no relief. I just want to be done.
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This isn't a medical site so all I can suggest is that you proceed in life with optimism and look at yourself in a positive way. There must be some good in you so look at that and build on it.
ReplyAside from the stuff that has nothing to do with diagnosis like anti-theism and narcissistic tendencies which aren't a recognized diagnosis.
Everything else is. BPD, CPTSD, extreme depression and anxiety, codependency. It's honestly sad.
I know this isn't a medical site and that wasn't my intent. I've already been diagnosed with these things.
ReplyYou seem extremely self aware. You are suffering a lot and feeling a lot of self hatred. I can’t imagine what this is like for you but I do hope that you find some moments and periods of life that aren’t filled with pain.
I read a book on cptsd and the guy who wrote it said it took him 20 years to get to the point of not hating himself and his life. A long journey but he had breakthroughs along the way. If you do decide to keep searching for more consistent relief i truly hope you find it some day.
ReplyExtreme self awareness is one way of putting it. I don't know if anyone could get anymore self aware than this, seriously (I'm not trying to toot a horn or anything, I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever)
It is almost impossible for me to try anything. In between the momentary paralysis from my anxiety and the many attributes of my depression and so help me if anything smells, tastes or looks familiar.
I can muster up a tiny reserve of strength every once in a great while. It gets spent doing stupid stuff like bathing or cleaning. Though I can lose it just like a flip of a switch. Just one thought, one emotion or physical feeling and it's over.
I took a shower for the first time in 3 months about a week ago and I had cleaned out all the trash in my room for the first time in roughly the same amount of time and considering it's been ALL fast food recently, there was a ton of trash. Bags, cup holders, cups, straws, paper, paper wraps, burger boxes, you name it. Every day for almost 3 months, just sitting on my floor. Finally got it clean.
It's kind of confusing, if I'm to be honest. I am so far gone that it's almost like I'm right on the verge on a 180 and I can feel it. Like there's this infinite reserve just below where I'm at.
I don't know how to reach it or activate it, but I know it's there. When I'm all the way at the bottom, which is every day now for 6 months, I can feel it. It's hard to explain.
ReplyIf you've been through that you should believe in God. You radio waves exist you can't see them but are there. He works in the same way you can't see Him but with faith you can feel and know Him. the most peace you'll ever feel. I know I've experienced and felt it I'm not lying to you or I'd be wasting my typing for nothing. I don't have all the answers but I know that much is true. If you refuse to believe .. don't worry ....when you pass away you'll find out you were wrong but then you'll likely regret not believing.
ReplyLol! No. I'm anti-theist, which means that not only do I not believe God exists, but even on the very extreme odd end that a God does exist, I want absolutely nothing from that God.
I'm sure your religion says all non believers go to hell and all that wonderful stuff, but you really gotta ask yourself if your god is so loving and your religion is the only true religion, then why do you need to threaten non believers?
Reply