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I never really noticed the passage of my time,
All the days I spent alone here,
All the nights I've let myself just cry.
I never really noticed everything I left behind.
I'm sorry that I took some things for granted,
And I'm sorry that I was so wrong,
And yet more than anything else in this world,
I'm so sorry for what I said,
Even though I was blind,
Now I see the light,
And I'm living without you.
I wish that I could turn back the hands of time,
I wish I could go back to a moment where you held me,
When you told me that everything would be fine,
But more than anything else,
I wish I could save myself,
And now I'm waiting to die.
Today I noticed how thread born that jumper had become,
The very one I wore on the day I decided to run,
I never really noticed how long.
When was the last time we even spoke?
How long has it been since I finally broke?
How many years will I spend mourning the life you left behind,
How many seasons have passed and yet I find myself,
Clinging to this jumper,
Willing to recover,
Wish that the lining was brand new?
I think about you.
I hold it very close,
And I whisper the words you spoke,
Even after nine whole years they always make me choke.
How sickening can three words be when they are coming from my mouth,
Even after all these years I still can't left them out.
As I hold my precious jumper,
I remember all the years,
All the tears,
And the prayers,
And now I'm living without you,
And I wish,
I didn't have to wake tomorrow.
I wish,
I didn't have to watch the sun rise and set.
I wish I could jump into the ocean where I left you,
Instead of being plastered to the sand,
I wish I could be with you in that great big world beyond,
But deep down I know you're gone.
You're gone.
In the deep recess of my mind,
I imagine another time,
When we could dance around the kitchen while I stepped on your toes.
I can still see the day that I had to send you away,
I can still here your voice on the other side of the line begging me to stay,
I still hear you plead and beg,
Using all the strength you had left,
Begging me to feel the same way.
I couldn't stay.
You beat me and you burned me,
You hurt me and you stole from me,
But after everything that happened I just can't give up on you.
I can never forgive you for what you've done,
Even after all this time you have been the one,
You hold the key to all my burdens in your hand,
A hand you'll never move again.
I wish,
I wish I had died instead.
"I love you."
15 July, 2010.
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