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A few days ago I was scrolling through photos my dads phone (with his permission of course) and I came across a video from about 8 years ago. It was just of me walking to the sink to wash my hands while my brother played in the background but when I watched it, something kind of jumped inside of me. It was like peeking through a window into a haunted house. And I kind of suddenly realized that my childhood was really scary a lot of the time. Like, the video would look normal to anyone else, but for me, I saw that the house was a mess because my mother was too sick and too busy hiding from my dad to clean anything and my dad was too busy spitting curses at her to notice the mess. I saw that the couch by the window was empty because it was past 8pm and my dad always banished my mother to the basement and didn't let her sit in the living room with us past that time. I knew that that couch was the only chair in the house she was allowed to sit on. I heard my baby brother laughing and I remembered how he would sometimes mimic the way my dad used to laugh when he would call my mother horrible names. I saw how I looked sad and quiet, probably because my dad had just finished cursing and screaming at my mom upstairs. Idk I watched the girl in that video and I saw everything that had happened to her and everything that would happen to her before she became who I am today and it was just really scary. For the first time I felt like my past was a dark hole that I didn't want to ever look back at. Maybe its because I'm 18 now and my parents have been divorced for about a year an half. Things are quiet and not immediately painful for the first time in my life and now, looking back, I see even more apparently how bad those all those years hurt. And I hate that I spent my entire childhood so afraid and so angry and confused. I want to throw it all in a ditch and bury it with dirt and walk away. but I can't because even now I feel echoes of the hurt. I know things will be okay in time but right now I just wish my childhood was only a video,,,just one long, haunted house video instead of something real that belongs to me.
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I am sorry for us who had horrible childhoods.
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