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To be honest, I have not been okay for a long time. To look at me on the surface, things are fine, but I am not okay. I push all my feeling below in order to deal with all my responsibilities as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, employee, friend, and neighbor. I am one of the strong ones that puts her head down and keeps pushing forward regardless. I am there for others when they need help but does not ask for much help herself. I endure.
I swallow the hurt, pain, and negative emotions. I cope in unhealthy ways. I eat my hurt and feelings. My body takes the the toll.
Today I had to let the mask slip. I simply could not hold it back any longer. The dam broke after too much strain on it for far too long.
I have to mourn the loss of role model. I need to feel the hopeless toward my government and fellow man. I need to let go of the pent up anger toward negative comments. I have to emotionally exercise out this overwhelmed feeling. I need to give myself a break. I need to release it all. I have to cry.
Its okay to not be okay. Its okay to feel your feelings. Its okay to express your feelings. Its okay to not give yourself another internal pep talk and push down the negative feelings. Its okay to just stop for some time and just feel the way you want to feel.
I write this as tear stream down my face. I write this as my heart breaks. I write this as feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained.
I let it pour out in my tears and wails of pain. I let myself feel it all.
I am not in danger. I needed an outlet. I'm not hiding. I just don't have the courage to speak up with my voice. I know that things can't change if I don't speak up. I tell myself things will be better once everything calms down. That I just need to release this flood of emotions and get back at it tomorrow. But the next not okay day will come eventually.
Soon my toddler son will wake up from his nap and I will take him to the playground. I won't feel the warmth of the sun or the joy below the smile. But no one will know that. They just see the surface.
Today I am not okay. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
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