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My Unsent Letter
2 months ago · · bad relationship,
After all these years, after forgetting about you, after finding a place for myself in this world, why is it that you are haunting my dreams these days? What you did was heartless. You lied to me so much for many years. And got engaged to another woman behind my back. I had to find out from my own family, who I told nothing but praises about you to, that you were engaged and we were all so confused. You married her and brought her to my parents like you were proud of it and I had to look at you and just eat it like nothing was wrong. Ive had to raise our son on my own. My fiance has been nothing but a good man to both me and our child and we happily have a family with another on the way. And yet you randomly show up, you wrecked your marriage, have hard times on your back and I couldn't do anything but be kind to you. You took advantage of my kindness and put a wedge in my home. Why the hell was I nice to you? You told me you wanted to be the father my son deserved to have. I told myself that it was ok to help you. And then you carved over every healed scar as though I wasnt allowed to live without bleeding by your hands. And because the man, who has been a true man of my home, stands between you doing more damage to me, you wanna just be friends? You're out of your mind. You don't respect me. You didn't want me to work. You dont respect me having an opinion. You wanted me to be docile, to just be a housewife who could care for your kids while you got do what you wanted. You wanted me to be there when you wanted to make yourself happy and satisfied. I would have to live a life without any say for myself because "you provide everything for me." I remember all those times you told me how I was horrible just for wanting friends. For going to a birthday party I had promise to go to and not dropping everything to give you my time when you showed up out of nowhere. I remember how you tried for years to make me leave my home and everyone I knew. You constantly preached about how it would be us against the world. How we would figure it all out. But you didnt let me have myself. And I can't live like that. No one should ever have to. You want what you can conveniently control. But I am no slave. Me and my partner discuss our life together. Each of our opinions matter. And we do nothing but support and uplift each other. Yet, you've never been able to answer a single question truthfully for me. Don't ever tell me that you love me. You only love the idea of who you were trying to make me when I was only 15 and impressionable while you were a 24 year old man. Hell!! The woman you left me and our child for, you admitted you agreed to marry because it was easier for you to deal with after 5 years of your time molding me. After all of that, you made me feel like I would never be worth enough to anyone. I dont think you've ever loved for the sake of love, it was always just for convenience. You never believed in the strength I had and you blamed your choices on me. But I have more strength then you will ever be able to handle and you're gonna lay in that bed you made by yourself cause it will never be shared by me. Stay the hell out of my head, I dont need anymore nightmares. The caring/loving heart that beats in my chest is for those who need me as I am, so I WILL NOT lower myself for anyone. Specially not an abusive, narcissistic, jerk like you. That "good life" you promised is nothing compared to being able to love myself. You have no place here.
-The heart that will never be as horrible as you were to me.