What are you looking for?
3 weeks ago · · Self Harm,
I was clean for three whole weeks. 21 days. I thought I had finally managed to quit. I was wrong.
I've been self-harming for a while. I started with just hitting myself in the ribs and head and legs, but it wasn't enough. I started to pull my hair, bite myself, it wasn't enough. Then I started scratching myself with a pocket knife, then cutting. I didn't understand why, but it felt good. I guess it was a way to make myself pay for my mistakes, a way to remind myself that there are consequences for my actions and a way to let out all the frustration and stress that had been building up. I didn't really think there was anything wrong with it. To me, it wasn't self-harm, but finally a coping mechanism that worked. In the beginning I cut every day, then when summer came and especially when we could come out of quarantine, I realised other people might see the cuts and I tried to quit and hurt myself in subtler ways. I tried to back to just biting but after experiencing the feel of cutting it barely worked anymore. I managed to get it down to once a week and then I managed to stop for three whole weeks. I thought I was getting better and I did for a while, but then a lot of things happened all at once and I couldn't take it anymore. It hurts but it also feels freeing. I don't want to quit again, but I know I have to. I'm so scared of asking for help. My partner once told me that people who self-harm often can't be saved and it scares me. She doesn't know. I feel ashamed and scared but there is no one in my life who would understand. I feel hopeless.