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I was clean for three whole weeks. 21 days. I thought I had finally managed to quit. I was wrong.
I've been self-harming for a while. I started with just hitting myself in the ribs and head and legs, but it wasn't enough. I started to pull my hair, bite myself, it wasn't enough. Then I started scratching myself with a pocket knife, then cutting. I didn't understand why, but it felt good. I guess it was a way to make myself pay for my mistakes, a way to remind myself that there are consequences for my actions and a way to let out all the frustration and stress that had been building up. I didn't really think there was anything wrong with it. To me, it wasn't self-harm, but finally a coping mechanism that worked. In the beginning I cut every day, then when summer came and especially when we could come out of quarantine, I realised other people might see the cuts and I tried to quit and hurt myself in subtler ways. I tried to back to just biting but after experiencing the feel of cutting it barely worked anymore. I managed to get it down to once a week and then I managed to stop for three whole weeks. I thought I was getting better and I did for a while, but then a lot of things happened all at once and I couldn't take it anymore. It hurts but it also feels freeing. I don't want to quit again, but I know I have to. I'm so scared of asking for help. My partner once told me that people who self-harm often can't be saved and it scares me. She doesn't know. I feel ashamed and scared but there is no one in my life who would understand. I feel hopeless.
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Hi, I'm also attempting to recover from self harm. 3 weeks is amazing, so you should be very proud of that. Just because you relapsed 1 day, it doesn't negate the 3 weeks you proved you can resist. Just try to keep that in mind.
Try to continue your 3 week recovery. I say 'CONTINUE' because I don't think 1 slip is the end. Just a slip. You can continue and be proud when you hit 4 weeks :) I'm working on my 2nd week right now and it's tough, so I do understand.
ReplyDon't give up. It get's easier the more time passes. Try to find another thing to do when you feel like self harming. When I had just stopped my self harm I found that cutting up an eraser or stabbing a peice of cardboard helped. Eventually I didn't need that anymore and could do some better coping methods. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't give into that knee jerk reaction. You're going to get better day by day. Don't give up! --someone 3 years clean
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