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We were so happy. The happiest we had both ever been. So I thought. What I didn't know was that my husband had been lying to me during our courtship. Not little white lies but lies about little white rocks. A week into our marriage I discovered he had a serious drug problem. How could I not have seen this? I was caught up in how honest he seemed. I always wanted an honest relationship. I was caught up in his promise to help me conceive a child. I've always wanted a child. I was caught up in his sweet words and what felt like a love in the works since my childhood. He stood there in front of me. In front of our closest family and friends and let me believe he was an embodiment of the things I always wanted. He said "by all means"....how he would cherish my love and all we create together. He let me say "I do", with a lie in his heart and running through his bloodstream. This man who was my greatest friend walked into a marriage with me holding his hands over my eyes so I wouldn't see the truth. We are a month into our marriage now and I see that he has been addicted to meth the whole time he was wooing me into his home and out of my own. He hides all the time. He uses in the garage and in the bathroom hours after he says he will stop. I found a pipe a few days ago. I carried that pipe with me for 2 days as an addict myself....maybe this would be the big upset I couldn't handle so I would use. Maybe I would use so he wouldn't because he loves me and would never want me to use knowing my history, right? I threw it away because I was afraid he would just find it again. And keep looking at me with those dilated pupils, annoyed that I know. That I would have to sit through another day of him watching my anxiety spiral out of control thinking maybe I've lost my mind while he insists he isn't loaded.
He treats me like some annoyance in the way. Like I'm weak for being upset that all my dreams have come crashing down in a moment. Like I'm the bad guy because he is upset with himself. He has threatened to end our marriage. He has threatened to lose himself entirely in this drug. A drug that ruined my life many years ago and the lives of loved ones to this day. He wants me to keep a secret that could kill him. I feel worse than alone. I feel abandoned. I feel like the man I love hates me now. I can't trust a word he says. But we were so happy. The happiest we had both ever been.
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I mentioned being an addict. I have been clean off meth for almost 15 years. He knew meth use was my deal breaker. Now that we are married I feel I have to let him try to work this out. I feel utterly alone.
ReplyIt may have to come down to him either choosing you or the meth for your own wellbeing. You can't live in a toxic fake relationship and be happy.
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