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One of my biggest mistakes growing up was fearing that my father would hate me for telling everyone he sexually abused me. Many years later I came to the realization that I hate myself in the end for letting it go on for so long. I was always scared what the world may think, always hiding behind the shadows of regret and living with a dirty secret. Eventually that spiraled into many disorders both mentally and physically. One year shortly after the trauma I developed anxiety, depression, and the one thing that ruined me permanently was the eating disorder that followed. I soon begin to realize i could control everything if i just accepted the fact that it was not my fault. It was more of my father who just simply had a warped mind and a cold heart to take away a child's only innocence. I used porn to cope because it was the only thing that made me feel good about everything inside of me. I ruined all my real relationships with all the boys I met. I ended up becoming a sex addict at the age of nine. I finally lost my virginity at 14 to someone I didn't really love. I tried to cope using weed nd alcohol to numb the pain but that made me even more sexually aroused. Nothing worked and my anxiety and depression sky-rocketed. I found myself waking up in cold sweats reliving the same nightmare for many nights in a row. i remember crying so badly I went into my bathroom and stared at myself at 3 am in the morning contemplating suicide in various methods. No matter how bad I was hurting I just couldn't bring myself to actually going through with it. I'm scared for myself and my dark thoughts. I've been to many therapists and blew so much money just to walk out of each session feeling even emptier than when I walked in. I'm writing this in hope someone can reach out and help me.6
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You don't have to deal with the same thought patterns anymore. If you are aware of how bad your situations is or was, then you can just start building up now. I'm sorry about your anxiety and depression, and the suicidal tendencies and everything else bad that happened to you. But now that you know it's not your fault, you can stop going backwards and start dealing with what you got. The thing about sharing your thoughts and feelings is that you don't want it to consume you and take over. That's why talking to therapists only works if you can learn when to stop diving into your emotions and start doing something about it. Find boundaries. You feel emptier because only bad things are on your mind now. You don't have to think about them anymore. Instead you can transform your pain; move ahead but never forget who or what you were, and where you came from. It's okay to look back once on a while. Just don't stay there, you know what I mean? It may seem hard at first (no one said it was easy) but like anything else, it just takes practice and patience to really start believing in yourself and doing good or feeling good. Positivity and optimism first require some work is all. Keep pushing forward, and best of luck to you friend (:
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