What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
My family, I had a dream earlier this week. I cut my wrists with a knife and attempted suicide. There was a nice man in my dreams, who held me as I bled and put me on a bus to take me to a psych ward. He offered nothing but kind words and told me I was going to get help.
My bestfriend, I spoke to you in that dream with my head on your shoulder. Smiling as I told you I wasn't going to be at school because i'd be in the hospital. I remember our quiet conversation with wistfulness. They were words I wish I had the confidence to say when I was awake. The dream felt real and when I woke up, my mind was silent. The fear that I had felt about committing suicide was gone. In its place was apathy. Like a switch had flipped.
My teachers, I spoke to you this week. A feat that is hard for a socially anxious person such as myself, and one I've never done that often in my entire highschool career with the intensity i did this week. I said my goodbyes behind thinly veiled laughter. I may have never spoken to you that much, but I've had a majority of you for 4 years and there is a silent comfort that I took advantage of.
My friends, I made sure to engage today as I plotted my alibi for the weekend. We joked about silly things and I told you guys I planned to drive to the big city. You asked the reason and I smiled and shook my head. I am not confused anymore.
I am sorry, my bestfriend, for using you as an escape. I told my parents I was spending the night when in reality I was planning to hang out for a few hours to give you the goodbye you deserve before going on the long drive to a nice bridge only found in the big cities. My parents will miss me because they love me and I love them. I do not have a reason to feel this way, but I do and I want it to stop.
I am sorry, my amazing and kind boyfriend, for having to leave you alone after almost a year together. I'll tell you goodnight tomorrow before I go, and then I'm going to park my car by a bridge. I always wanted the way I died to be somewhere I could fall. I want to feel free. But also, if there were to be any sort of regret in my last moments, i want to feel it before I die. Just so I can feel again.
I'm sorry, future self, if I chicken out and just go home or fail and end up in the hospital. But you know? That dream made everything not so scary. Maybe everything will change and nothing will stay the same. But you know, I don't think i'd be too averse for that. Yes, it'd ruin my chances of a future I so desperately want. But if I were to continue to feel like this without doing anything, that'd be a fate worse than death. So cheers for tomorrow, the day I live to die.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Suicide
Every single day I want to kill my self. I don’t say this for attention. I genuinely want to slit my wrist and bleed out. Blow my brains out. Whatever is less...
-
What do you do
When everything makes you anxious? I’ve been to so many different therapists and none of them have made a huge difference and I refuse to be put on medicat...
I don't know if you're still here or if you're going to commit suicide or if I read that whole entire thing wrong. I don't know if you're going to see this or not but if I'm not too late please don't. I know this might not mean anything coming from just a stranger, but things will get better. The world is a beautiful place and there are other options. I'm asking that you don't. A stranger's opinion off the internet might not matter but there are people in the world who care about you and who would care if you died. I don't know you but I'm willing to bet you've impacted a lot of people whether in a small or big way. You would impact a lot of lives in dying. You would be impacting my life as well because now I know for a fact that there's somewhere out there who might commit tomorrow and I have no power to stop it. So I'm writing in hopes you'll see this and know that life is worth living.
ReplyDon't do it please...this story hurts my heart so much. If you are gone, then it's already too late. I'm sorry if I couldn't save you by then.
Reply