Still

I woke up today thinking about him. The person who didn't really give a crap about me. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. When we played each other love songs and we're making plans for the summer. What the hell happened? I still don't really know. I saw something beginning that could have been wonderful. An old something turning into something new. And he just walked away. I forgave him so many times for so many things...if it was something I did, I would have thought he could extend the courtesy to me as well. And that's just it. It wasn't anything I did. Even though he acted like it was. So what happened?

I will never know. And I need to let it go. I know that. But here I am at 6 in the morning with all these thoughts in my head that won't go away. And I tell myself, "Let it go. You're letting him win."

But no one is winning. There is no victor here. Just two souls who lost each other for what I imagine was something so small. When I lose someone over something so small, I realize that they were already letting me go. And then I blame myself. And the self-loathing settles in. And I blame myself for something that I couldn't control. It's vicious.

And I really do need to figure out how to let it go. It is sitting in my system like poison.