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Alcoholism isn’t the problem, it’s just a (bad) solution
3 years ago · 3
124
Here I am again, been awake for 2 hrs since 4:30 am staring at the pale window and obsessing over that half bottle of wine I left in the refrigerator last month. I left it there on purpose when I quit drinking. Figured if I’m going to beat this addiction then I need to accept all the temptations.
Will today be the day I break? Guzzle down that bottle, then run to the liquor store for vodka, tequila and anything else I can get for cheap, get plastered and research ways of killing myself until I lose consciousness or try one of those ways? Back to my old routine? Who knows. But I just felt like saying that the alcohol isn’t the problem. The real problem is an empty life that never gave me anything else to fill it with, except alcohol.
Friends, career, hobbies have never been enough. Or maybe I chose the wrong friends career and hobbies. Well that much is certain. But it’s too late to start over with a new life, not without considerable help.
So I’m thinking about that half bottle of wine again. I could throw it away, but that won’t change anything except I’ll start obsessing over the liquor store. As long as my life remains so miserable, stagnant and pointless I will obsess over any means of escape. Alcohol isn’t the problem. Life is.
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Well you're somewhat correct. The problem being that alcohol is addictive and it's also a downer. So it can absolutely effect your mentality overall.
Yes, there is a fairly large amount of the problem that falls squarely on your shoulders and you are the only one who can say "ok, my life has become unmanageable because of this".
If you were to stop, would you miss it? Absolutely, that's part of the addiction. You'll also very likely go through withdrawal, should you choose to stop and it feels like hell.
So of course your mind is going to be racing for another swig, but your mind will also be racing to find anything else to blame it on. Even yourself.
The only problem being that when your brain does this, it isn't focused on a solution or learning from the situation. It is solely focused on getting that addiction fulfilled. That's something you have to understand about your physical mind vs your conscious existence.
Maybe you consciously know that this is tearing you apart, but you're not willing to give it up yet and that's fine. You're just not at the bottom yet, you haven't lost enough yet.
You will eventually get there though and how bad it gets determines on how much you can stand to do without. But you will eventually lose enough to know and even then, it'll be just as hard to throw out that bottle, maybe even harder still because there may not even be reason to stop at that point. The justification might feel something like "I've already lost everything, so what's the point in stopping now?"
I'd honestly suggest that once you're serious about actually quitting, that you look into alcoholics anonymous. The program can help you, but you have to be ready and willing to put in that work. If you aren't ready to do that yet, that's fine. But the option will always be there when you are.
ReplyWow, thanks. That's a very insightful analysis. May I ask if you're been through addiction/recovery? Because the things you said are things that most people can't understand if they haven't been through it themselves.
I really like this part: "when your brain does this, it isn't focused on a solution or learning from the situation. It is solely focused on getting that addiction fulfilled ... physical mind vs conscious existence."
Yes, that's the hardest part. I have days of clarity where I'm in my conscious existence, and those are the days when I'm baffled at why I would dump toxins into my brain as if that's going to fix anything. But then I have days like today where the physical mind takes over and it's like a need to fulfil a desperate need, regardless of consequences. Even normal people go through this when they haven't eaten, or if they really need to go to the bathroom, or whatever physical need overwhelms their rational thinking.
The difference is the alcoholic can't just eat something or go to the bathroom and be done with it. The desperate need sits for hours or days or weeks.
I also like this part "you're not willing to give it up yet and that's fine. You're just not at the bottom yet, you haven't lost enough yet" because oddly enough, I really did hit rock bottom last month when I decided to quit. I won't get into it, but it was the lowest I've ever been in my whole life and I'm amazed I didn't jump off a skyscraper. The problem is, that motivation that comes with hitting rock bottom is like a bounce. You only get it once, and if the bounce doesn't launch you out of the pit completely, then you'll start coming back down again. I think that's where I am. One month past the worst moment in my life, one month into recovery, maybe I've lost the spark of turning my life around. And instead I'm feeling like you said "I've already lost everything, so what's the point in stopping now?"
ReplyMy step father is an alcoholic, he's been in AA for well over 15 years now. So I've got some personal experience with alcoholism. Plus, I was endowed with an addictive personality disorder... yay! So I can understand the mind numbing pain of addiction. Basically, I can get addicted to things super fast.
I understand how the withdrawals feel. I know first hand that it is nothing pleasant. I also know how hard the battle is tl justify going through that when you could just cave and give in and then the symptoms are all gone within 30 minutes.
In all honesty, your best bet to quit is going to be surrounding yourself with others who are in recovery as well.
Alcoholics anonymous is a great place to start. You might also consider some support groups on social media like Facebook. Here, you can vent and what have you but making a connection is nearly impossible and so it's not very effective at building a sense of community nor connection.
I also would suggest getting into meditation and definitely physical exercise. Pushing your body to work out can help get all the toxins out of your system plus you're more focused on how bad your body is hurting vs how bad your mind wants that drink.
You might even think about attending a religious gathering of some form (if possible in your area). The power of belief can do amazing things, including helping you with this battle.
If you've already hit rock bottom as you say, and you're ready to try to change. Your very first step is acknowledging that you are powerless over alchohol and your life has become unmanageable. That's the very first line you'll hear in AA.
I honestly hope that you can choose to remain aware and I know it's not always a choice. Sometimes things just happen automatically and that's where you've gotta be ready.
Make it as physically hard as possible for yourself to get a hold of alcohol. If that means buying a lockbox and putting your keys inside that box and then placing the key in a pocket of a pair of pants, jumbled up into a bunch of other pants. So you don't know exactly where the keys are, and it'll give you extra time to realize what you're even doing.
Just make sure not to actually lose your keys though, lol. Basically just make it as hard as possible. If you prefer to use a debit or credit card, cut it. Take out all your cash and put it in different areas. Or if you've got someone you can really trust, you could have them hide it for you or even hold it for you if need be.
Start by trying to find any alcoholics anonymous groups near you. That is going to be your best bet. Start taking care of your body and mind and filling your time with things that are beneficial.
It's not impossible, it's not hopeless. It is hard though and I won't try to sell you on any notion that the journey won't be painful, but I will tell you that it absolutely is worth it.
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