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My relationship has isolated me from my friends and my family.
It started bit by bit I suppose. After I moved in with my career-oriented boyfriend, he totally changed.
He had been divorced a year before, had kids with his ex, etc. After I moved in, it went from "I love you SO much. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm going to marry you one day", to "Why do I need to call you, I'll see you at home later", and "I'm not over my divorce".
All of this was disheartening, but I had packed up my entire life and moved to his small town. I started my medical work again... A few months in, he started cheating. The following couple of years were tumultuous. We broke up for days or a weekend ever now and again, but I always went back to him.
I am and was ashamed I went back to that man. My family and friends knew he cheated and had stopped being a good man to me. I felt like an addict every time he called me and I moved back in. I felt immense relief when we were together again, like a hit of some toxic drug that I had went a few days without.
A lot of people stopped reaching out to me. I hardly respond to anyone. It's not that I don't miss them or want too.. I'm just SO ashamed of myself. I'm so ashamed that I shrunk myself into such skinny ideals for a man who is not worth it. I'm ashamed that I have dealt with so much infidelity. I'm ashamed that I keep staying. I'm ashamed that I feel stuck financially. I feel dependent on him, although I work a full-time job. Maybe my dependence still is like that of an addict...
I feel like a piece of shit. I'm attached to the one human being who is entirely narcissistic, abusive, uncaring towards me. Yet, I have people that do love me and care, and I'm sure endless opportunities to be with a different man who is genuinely GOOD... Somehow I'm still "stuck" in this.
Help me out..
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You need to leave him. He's not good for you, and you know it. I know it can be hard, wanting a relationship is like an addiction, once you start it, it's hard to get out. That doesn't change the fact that he's a cheating bastard, though. I say you break up with him, but this time, cut off all contact with the man. Block his number and try to stay away from him. If you can block him out of your life, pretend he isn't there, it should be easier to not run back to him. This is just my opinion, though. Take time to think about what you need to do. Stay strong <3
ReplyThat's the thing with abusive relationships, they have a way of trapping you in... Leaving one is very hard and when it happens for you it will be one of the best things you can accomplish! You deserve better and there's people to help you as long as you are aware that you deserve better. Therapists, for instance.
ReplyYou have low self esteem and think this is all you are worthy of. Tell yourself that you are a worthwhile person and can do much better. Keep telling yourself this until you believe it. Then leave him.
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