What are you looking for?
Stuck in Hell
2 months ago · · Need Advice, · Explicit
My relationship has isolated me from my friends and my family.
It started bit by bit I suppose. After I moved in with my career-oriented boyfriend, he totally changed.
He had been divorced a year before, had kids with his ex, etc. After I moved in, it went from "I love you SO much. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm going to marry you one day", to "Why do I need to call you, I'll see you at home later", and "I'm not over my divorce".
All of this was disheartening, but I had packed up my entire life and moved to his small town. I started my medical work again... A few months in, he started cheating. The following couple of years were tumultuous. We broke up for days or a weekend ever now and again, but I always went back to him.
I am and was ashamed I went back to that man. My family and friends knew he cheated and had stopped being a good man to me. I felt like an addict every time he called me and I moved back in. I felt immense relief when we were together again, like a hit of some toxic drug that I had went a few days without.
A lot of people stopped reaching out to me. I hardly respond to anyone. It's not that I don't miss them or want too.. I'm just SO ashamed of myself. I'm so ashamed that I shrunk myself into such skinny ideals for a man who is not worth it. I'm ashamed that I have dealt with so much infidelity. I'm ashamed that I keep staying. I'm ashamed that I feel stuck financially. I feel dependent on him, although I work a full-time job. Maybe my dependence still is like that of an addict...
I feel like a piece of shit. I'm attached to the one human being who is entirely narcissistic, abusive, uncaring towards me. Yet, I have people that do love me and care, and I'm sure endless opportunities to be with a different man who is genuinely GOOD... Somehow I'm still "stuck" in this.
Help me out..