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My Unsent Letter
1 year ago · · Relationship Issues,
I know that I have done you wrong in the past. I know that we didn't have a strong foundation. We came together at the wrong time. You trying to stay with her, and me trying to escape him. I know that we connected better than we would have ever imagined. WE know that this bond has taken us through some of the ups and downs.
I brought on the downs. I am so sorry. I am so sorry, not because I was caught, but because the past has now limited the future. Our future. I have no way to regain the trust that I have broken. I have no right to try to convince you that I have changed.
As you've stated, "it was more than once".
I was the side piece. I knew it. That's where I had been comfortable navigating my place for the past 7 years. Something was less intimidating about knowing that I was fluid. Then you happened. I got jealous. I got caught up in the reasons. The reason you didn't try to see me....didn't want to see me...didn't choose to see me. So, I went back to him. He would find time to slide me in. He did. It wasn't bad. It was never great. It was never you. It was your replacement. The placebo. The distraction.
You asked about it. I lied. You pressed. I lied. You pressed more. I told you.
These unimportant escapades may have potentially cost me the future I desire with you. I understand the doubt, the confusion, the fear.
Our dynamic changed. I got the courage to leave him. You got fed up and left her. Inside this sparked hope. I thought....we haven't every been here. Both potentially free. Could it happen? You changed. You smiled more than usual, and you smile a lot when you're near me. You were playful, more playful than you'd with me. I started to fantasize about the "what if's". I felt the rush similar to teenage love. I felt potential.
It's always been that way for me, hasn't it. My own expectations and desires are what disappoint me the most. What I crave and create in MY mind, leave me broken in reality.
I have moments of clarity. Moments where i'm aware of my reality. I know why it won't happen. It's too much work. I broke the trust and expectations you had for me.
When I lived in "my world" of thoughts, she made a comeback. You responded. You responded hard. That hurt. I had believed that I took over the position of importance. I believed we were so good. I believed that my wants were within reach. I didn't expect it. It completely blindsided me. So much so, that i lost myself. I lost the rational side. I lost my trust in you.
I looked past the facts.
You were in a relationship, AND with me.
I was in a relationship, AND with you.
You knew of him.
You got angry at the lies.
You weren't mine.
and then it hit. You weren't mine. You aren't mine. You won't be mine. Not because any of the facts, but because I broke the trust. I feel the crumbles of a heart that lost its place. I lost my fantasies when she came back. I lost my potential with you. You don't trust me. I don't trust you. We see that.
How though? How do we just stop? How do we give up on the connection? The comfort? the relaxation that we bring one another? Aren't these things worth fighting for? Is love worth fighting for? Is it supposed to be easy?
What i know to be true now is that I want you. I want that potential. I want to be by your side. I want to encourage you. I want to dedicate myself to you. Will you allow me the time? If you do, will I trust you? Will we both sit in silent misery that suspicion brings?
Do I not pursue more, and realize that the ONLY way I can be these things for you is to accept my place. My place as your secret. My place as that stained worn out security blanket hidden from everyone else? Do I accept my fate? Do I fade away in the uncertainty?