Bf is Addicted to Porn

I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years. We have an age gap of 22 years. I was 18 when we met, and he was 40. In the beginning we got along great and he seemed to really love and care about me. We had a good sex life. I didn't think our age difference affected our relationship except for the occasional judgemental stare from strangers. My family didn't approve of our relationship, and it led to me getting violently kicked out of my parents house at 21. Granted, I should have already been independent at that age, but my toxic parents would use me as a free babysitter and maid. They wanted me to live there forever. My father had a bad temper so he kicked me out for talking back to him while I was caring for his elderly mother. I packed my bags and never looked back.

It was difficult living with the guilt and family disapproval. It also led to me becoming homeless. My bf was living with his parents but they didn't want him there. So we bought a van with my savings and lived in vehicles for nearly 3 years. I was depressed at times and had ptsd about my dad choking me. Slowly over the years, my bf seemed to have issues with sex. He would have excuses like he was too full from eating or he was on drugs and incapable of doing it. It didn't really bother me at first. But over time I have found myself to be sexually unsatisfied and even irritable from the lack of sex.

Last December, he sent me a picture of what appeared to be a 10 year old in a bikini. I was in shock and I violated his privacy by checking his tablet search history. There was many searches for underage girls, some looking as young as 5 years old. The oldest girl he looked at probably wasn't even 18.

It was really rough. He never admitted to doing this. He changed the password on his phone and to this day won't allow me to come near his phone. I got physically abusive and probably slapped him in the face a dozen times. He emotionally abused me saying I was worthless and a piece of shit. He even said I looked like a man. I went to the police with the pictures, and they said there was nothing illegal about looking at these pictures.

We basically broke up but continued living together. I was terrified of being alone and had nobody in the world but a few acquaintances from work. I stopped taking birth control because we weren't having sex. Well, one day we did have sex that he initiated and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

Without officially discussing the status of our relationship, we got back together. I really didn't know if he should even be around children. I was so terrified that I would be having a baby girl. Thankfully it is a boy.

I wanted to believe he would never be attracted to children. Recently we were watching youtube on his account. I noticed he was subscribed to the account of a girl who couldn't be more than 7 years old. I looked up this girl and found one of her videos where she is wearing a very skimpy bikini (stripper attire) and she is seductively dancing. I didn't even know youtube allowed these kind of videos on there site. I unsubscribed him and never brought it up until today.

Lately I have been waking up to him masturbating at all hours of the night. He is very careful about it so I never actually see him doing it, but I know he is. Today I confronted him about it and he still denies it.

I want to believe we can be together always, but I don't know how much more of the lying and no sex I can take. I am pregnant so that is his convenient excuse for the lack of sex. But after the baby comes, I worry our sex life will not be revived.

Not to mention the blow to my self esteem. He is looking at girls 1/3 of my age and I am 5'6 tall. He is about the same height as me, maybe slightly taller. But I don't believe he is physically attracted to me considering how huge I am compared to those little girls.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me. I just don't know if this relationship can work out if he can't even admit he has a problem.

He was yelling in my face today saying I have no right to ask him what he does with his genitals. He claims he would not care if I masturbated. I told him I could accept him watching porn. What I can't accept is how the girls are not even adults, we don't have sex, and his pornography addiction is starting to affect my sleep. Sometimes he stays up all night.

I just feel very confused and hurt.