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The furthest back I can remember clearly is my dad holding up scissors to my moms neck. I want to say I was 4 at the time maybe 5. This was the first time I saw my dad turn into something/someone I didn't recognize. My childhood was pretty good. I always had the newest toys and video games. I had a really good friend, along with other friends and we were always doing things. If I'm honest, I really miss these days. It's the only time I remember feeling happy and having actual fun. Feelings I haven't felt since. Anyway, as I grew older I realized my dad had some sort of mental issue. My dad is a very hard working guy and has always supported My mom, sister, and I. There isn't a moment when I didn't appreciate that. I still appreciate it. However, he impacted my life in such a negative way. The amount of times I heard him screaming at my mom. The amount of times he has flown off the handle. I'm bigger than my dad now, he still scares me when he gets in one of his moods. I feel like he has this leverage over me. He is working full time still supporting me mostly. He has always been a good father to me. To my mother though, he treats her like garbage. It was hard to watch as a kid. I got ideas in my head about killing him a few times, fantasizing about how much better off we would all be. I do strongly believe in a way my life would have been much better without him in my life, maybe not financially. However in my opinion money doesn't mean shit because he has plenty and is still a depressed asshole. If it's one think i know for sure it's that money alone can not make you happy. Sure maybe you win the lottery and for a while you might feel amazing. There are other things people need to be fulfilled. Relationships, purpose, health and hobbies. Anyway, once I was in high school things changed. I lost that good friend from my childhood. I really had just myself. This is when my depression began to form. It has been with me since. There are so many things I regret about high school. Literally I was so quiet, so defensive, I missed out on so many opportunities to make friends and date girls. I just never believed in myself. I still don't really. I never thought I was good enough. I would come home to this toxic environment. My mom getting berated for a little scratch on the wall or some stupid shit about the laundry. I was filled with rage and I never took it out on anyone or anything. I still hold alot of that anger and I'm in my 20s now. Going back to high school. End of junior year, I met a few guys that I hung out with, up until I graduated. These friendships didn't last, because one of them betrayed my trust. They didn't stand up for me in a fight. Of course I was so bitter already this didn't phase me. There was this girl I had a huge crush on in highschool. Hell, if I see her on social media now, I still think about her alot. Pretty much I got to know her really well senior year. We hung out a few times. I asked her to prom, and she just said she wasbt going. I ended up not going because I was embarrassed to not go with a date. I just felt so defeated at that point. At this point in my life the days began to blur together. They still do. I feel like the world is moving so fast and I'm just stuck in this dark place. Fast forward to college. I didn't go away, also a big regret. I saved money, but I feel like I missed out. I think getting the hell out of this house is exactly what I need. Anyway I became so desperate to find companionship, I downloaded tinder. Eventually matched with this girl. I actually met her in person the day I matched with her. We walked and talked. Honestly I wasnt expecting much. Beautiful girl, but wasnt sure it would go anywhere. Fast forward to second date. We talk for a few hours, now I'm feeling chemistry and fornthe first time in well over 5 years, I'm feeling something. This warmth come over me. It was such a beautiful feeling its impossible to explain exactly. I ran my fingers through her and we kissed. Man if I could only go back to that exact moment. Little did I know this feeling wouldn't last. We dated for a few months. I found out she had a drinking problem and also some kind of personality disorder. This didn't sway me though I still really liked her. One day she basically broke up with me over text. I said some things I probably shouldn't have. I just couldn't believe this was happening. Like the universe had teased me. I wish I never would have met her. You might say, well you only knew her a few months. This is true. However I've been alone all my life. To me three months felt like a long time to feel happy. After we broke up. I became infuriated. I was 19 at the time. I blocked her on every platform, blocked her number. Deleted any trace of photos we ever took, which weren't that many. For the first few days I didn't really feel much. Then it went back to the depression and pure anger. Since then I haven't met anyone. I want to date. I want to find companionship. I've just become so antisocial, so reserved. Covid doesn't help my social skills. My life has been wasted. I mostly just hide away in my room these days. Longing for the day someone will come along and save me. I know this isn't how it works, but I still wish it would. Depression has destroyed years of my life. Ultimately I have destroyed years of my life. I wanted to write my story down in hopes of feelings little more at ease. I can't say it helped though. It's been years since I've had a friend or hung out with people my age. I just feel nothing good anymore. I feel only darkness. I feel like depression has consumed me.
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I'm the OP. I want to add I left out alot of details and alot of overall shitty experiences. What I posted is a very short summary.
Replyi understand ): same here, i type out long paragraphs of my "life story" but still only share glimpses because of how long, awful, dark and traumatic it can be... life fucken sucks sometimes friend, i get it. But the only way to get through it is by literally doing just that: keep going THROUGH your pain, and don't dodge around it.
You know, as horrible and often out of control as it may seem, it's only as bad as we make it. I know you're in a sad place right now and what I'm saying may sound like the worst advice ever but you have to trust me when I say all of this because physically, life actually IS completely under our own control. Mentally and emotionally, it does get hard sometimes. Like people always think "I can't just up and leave my problems because I have obligations and people would hate me"
So you always get these two options. Either run away and start a new, forgetting the judgement of what ANYONE has to say negatively about you ever, or deal with all of it; the pain and the trauma. My parents were fucking crackhead, meth head, alcoholic, molestors and so on. You name it, I've probably experienced it.
But I got educated. Learned and taught myself a lot of things. Now I know from psychology that the brain is a muscle, just like pretty much everything else in our body lol negative emotions (and interesting enough, even positive emotions) cloud our good judgement. Manipulation is scary easy but we can also use it to our advantage for the sake of GOOD.
If you want to believe in yourself, if you want to feel and to DO better, start small. Build up a tolerance. Tell yourself good things in the mirror everyday. Start using more positive reinforcement toward yourself and others. You'll really start to actually feel and do better, I swear! You'll actually begin to believe in yourself and break through! I hope something I said here helps you out (: best of luck, have a great rest of your day! 💚✨
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