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So I've got some things to tell my therapist tomorrow. Maybe I might be able to convince her to actually diagnose me with BPD, lol! Not!! I know why she won't do it, but more on that later.
No, it's all come down to how I detach from myself, from this reality or whatever you wanna call it. I'm just barely waking up, I haven't even had my morning smoke yet. So this is my brain when it doesn't have ample nicotine in it and barely alert.
I feel like breaking inside, it's the best I can describe it. Like the inside of my mind is physically cold in the back. Just above my throat. That's where I feel it.
There's a dull pain as if someone had hit me with a hammer some hours ago. That never actually happened, but that's what I'd say it feels like.
In my head, everything is pointless, there's no point to any of it. So why does my mind make it a point to feel depressed about it? It's not nihilism, not by any stretch. I personally hate nihilism.
But it's something that I try to force feed through my brain, why? If nothing else has a point, then why does THIS have a point? What's the point in being concerned about the point?
It's not a battle I can win though, you might imagine this would be like trying to feed cement through a wood chipper. It's just a cringey and painful to listen to, at least I imagine this is what it would feel like. Even though I have absolutely no reference point to prove it. I've never operated a wood chipper before.
But I'd imagine it would have some real trouble with a block of concrete. It would probably lose a few teeth and most likely, the resulting chunks would probably be thrown out the back end before they could be ground down into a powder.
But hey, thats just a theory, AAAAAAAA pointless theory!! Aaaaaaaannndd cut.
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You should eat something healthy when you wake up and not smoke. That would help.
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