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My Unsent Letter
2 months ago · · Relationship Issues,
I love you. Endlessly and beyond. I love you so much that it is destroying me. Because you, you whom I love so much, you take what I give. But you don't give what I need. Not anymore. I used to feel big when I was with you. Now, I feel small. Like you are growing and rising, whilst pushing down my growth. And you take more, day by day.
You tell me that I do not hold your feelings into account. That I want too much. While all I want is you, a life and future with you. Or do I? I don't know anymore. I don't know what I want. My love for you is clouding. My heart aches for you, my mind tells me it is time to let go before it is too late once more.
It was you who made the promises. The promises I so gladly took for reality. Because you told me you loved me - so it must be true! The promises must be true! And yet I soon found out they weren't. Empty promises of change, empty promises of a beautiful future. A future that you are building. A future in which I feel an outsider.
You tell me I will never be family for the simple reason we are not related by blood or bound by marriage. You tell me I am just your girlfriend. Just. That word that broke my heart into countless pieces. Just, as if I am meaningless to you. To me, you always have been family. The family I have chosen. But to you, I am nothing but a passerby in your story, so it seems.
You tell me you love me. But can you show it too? Spontaneous hugs and kisses are something from a seemingly forgotten past. You told me you love me. Because that too is something from a long, lost past. You don't compliment me. You 'jokingly' tell me how fat I am, how ugly and old I am. Every time you do that, it hurts. Like a knife that cuts through my soul.
You tell me I can't call your house my home. Despite me being the one making it a home. Just because I haven't moved in completely, doesn't mean that it cannot be my home. I do your laundry. I do your kids' laundry. I cook for you and them. I clean for you. I care for the pets. I make sure you wake up in time. I decorate. I give. Because that house was my home thanks to you. You were home. Now, I am not sure what you are anymore.
You gave me a ring. Only to tell me afterwards it was too expensive. That I never take your finances into account. Ignoring the fact I asked you multiple times before we went to the store if it was okay, if you could afford it. Despite you not telling me you had a budget and what that budget was. Despite you telling me to choose whatever ring I liked most. Despite me asking twice in the store if it really was okay to take that ring. Despite me offering to pay for whatever amount I was above your budget. And only to realise that afterwards, you thoughtlessly spent money on a door bell you didn't really need. But it was my ring that was too expensive. The ring that was given as a promise to stay loyal, as proof that I was yours. How meaningless it feels now that I know it was not given with pleasure. Now that I know you see it, and with that me, as nothing but a cost you could avoid.
You told me once that there was no one you ever loved so much as you love me. Then why don't you show that to me? Why is it that you break me over and over again. Why do you take me for granted? Why is it so difficult to appreciate me and what I do? All I ask is for you to show me your love. To appreciate me as a person.
I've entered this relationship on your terms. I kept nurturing it and we moved forward on your terms. I now believe the time has come to also take my terms into account. To allow me to be your equal.
I love you. More than I can take.