What are you looking for?
11 months ago · · life,
It is quite hard, isn't it. I know in my mind the things to do, a rough draft of where to start. I know that this is what it all comes down to. I'm too old to be sitting here and wasting away and constantly overthinking everything and being overwhelmed.
It makes me depressed and I can't honestly tell if it's more because I'm afraid I'll fail or if it's just me not wanting to change. It's always so complex when you have to question yourself like this because you're asking a question even you don't know the answer to.
Other people can hazard a guess or go based on experiences they've had in their own lives or of others they've been around. But the reality is that even though we all share so much in common, there are still those underlying quirks that make us unique.
For you, maybe you've been lazy before and maybe it was for whatever reason. While mine may look entirely foreign to you. So it's not the same thing and will require a different approach.
This is like on the microscopic level of psychology, yet the overarching theme is super big picture. It's a paradox is what it is and there is no correct answer to a paradox. It either is or isn't, do or don't, be or not.
Like motivation for example, it's a paradox. If you want motivation, you have to do things to get it moving. But you need that motivation to get you going in the first place. Or a more understandable explanation would be you get out of high school and every job wants you to have 5 years of experience or a bachelor's degree. In order to get that bachelor's degree, you need money and you need that job to make money but you need the degree fo get the job. It's also known as a "catch 22".
Where you're met with an insurmountable wall, or so it seems and the only option is to either climb or whine. You take your pick.
Same goes for me. I have to take my pick here and no matter of afraid I am of the future and the potential of failure, i either do or i don't and i die here, like this for the rest of my miserable life.
It doesn't mean that the pain i feel isn't real, it doesn't mean that the fear i have isn't real. It just means that I would be trying in spite of everything I hold over my own head.
Even my therapist told me that this all comes down to me. What I choose to do, who I choose to be and how I choose to live.
No, that doesn't mean I'm going to be magically cured of my mental illnesses. Honestly, I wish there were some way to cure this. It would make this so much more simple. So easier than the road I know I have to take if I don't want to die like this because if I can get myself moving, then the object is to stay moving. It's a lot harder to slow something down when it has velocity versus keeping something at rest once it's stopped.
It's all just head games and it all has to boil down to what I want the remaining years of my life to be. I haven't made up my mind just yet, not fully. I'm trying though, that's why I got back into therapy. Because I don't want to die here. The hardest part is how easy it is to convince myself that I don't have a choice in the matter.