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I've finally found a way to describe the feeling I've had these last few months. It wasn't jealousy, nor possessiveness. Nope. It's simply and quite painfully: loneliness. Despite a;; the mistaking of being insecure, embarrassed and protective, I've felt no heavier feeling of your attention being pulled away from me. It's paranoia, anxiety and my ptsd making me feel this way.
But it's the way you seek her out first thing in the morning, curious and happy to begin a new conversation that are way more interesting to you. You're intrigued by everything she says, which is not your fault. You're trying so hard to get her job to take of me and our soon-to-be child. But seeing you enraptured when not even an hour before you wouldn't even give me a kiss good morning. So curious that you can talk for over an hour and still need to ask more questions. Keeping the conversation going...
It's how you have so much in common with her to the point you're practically the same person. It's how she can make you smile so easily, make you laugh from your stomach, how your eyes light up when you're around her. You have your inside jokes, your picky habits, how my name is mentioned yet I'm not allowed to know what the hidden giggles are about.
So, I guess, I'm lonely...I try so hard every day to do anything to make you look at me like that. To start our day off with a kiss and a cuddle. Try to make dumb jokes to just get ignored or rushed to get ready. Act silly, ask about the games you're playing, try to help you feel a little relieved from the stress of work, ask you to help me in things I'm doing. Even have sex more often just to get you to look at me. But I'm always shut down, left alone in the house feeling forgotten.
I've expressed my insecurities and boundaries before because you asked. I was being dramatic and acting crazy. You're frustrated because I'm being paranoid. But what I feel is real to me...My feeling are hurt. My boundaries being ignored because you don't want to set your own boundaries with our boss. All I'm asking is to feel acknowledged. Seen by you. Hang out with me again. I'm already messed up but these hormones are making this much worse lately...
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Im sorry for your pain. I know how you feel. Going through the same thing. I just hope that things will get better for you
Reply@starunicorn I hope things go well for you too! It's definitely a difficult feeling to go through
ReplyIf I am not mistaken it sounds like you don't want to be looked at as a wife or mama. You want to be looked at as a woman. This is a real thing. Its not your hormones im sure of it. Every mom to be, or mom goes through this.
ReplyYou are being taken for granted.
Reply