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Three weeks into university and I've met a few friends. It feels good to get to know new people. But, only as friends. Three weeks into university and I get asked on a date. Though that word 'date' was never specified so to me it was just another day. Another day to hang out with a friend except this time it's just the two of us.
The day was going fine we were playing games and having fun. We watched a shitty movie and laughed about it. But I had my suspicion that this wasn't just friends hanging out. He puts his arm around me while we watch a second movie. He's polite about it, he asks first and I say yes because I don't want to turn him down.
Then at the end of the day, he asks me 'was this a date?' and I'm not sure how to respond. I fumble over my words already wondering how this could work and my head is just a pile of mess on the ground. I say I'm not sure, that I'm not used to this and he says he should have been clear he wanted a date. I say that it's fine but really in my mind I'm begging that it all goes away.
I call my friend on the bus, get reassured it's ok and that I'm allowed to not know what I feel. But as soon as I get home when I'm alone I know what I really wanted to say. I wanted to say "No it's not a date, I don't think about you that way" and it makes me feel sick. I was scared to reject him but I sent him that message and he replied saying it was okay.
Three weeks later and I'm sat here typing anonymously to strangers on the internet. He said it was okay and yet I think of it each day, why does it have to be like this?
The truth is, I'm not a girl who can meet someone new and fall head over heels in love. I can't go on a date and not know what to say but still end up getting a crush. I can't pretend to feel something I don't and then move on to date other guys. I just can't like someone new when I don't know if they even like the sunrise.
It's made me feel like an alien in a world where I don't belong. I just want to get to know someone as friends and then fall in love, could that be so wrong?
I won't lie to you, strangers, I sometimes feel angry that others can fall so easily. They can meet someone, talk a few then end up dating but I can't be that way. It makes me angry at them because that seems so fake. It makes me want to scream and shout. I'd say: how can you fall in love with someone that you don't know the first thing about?
Perhaps this is because I'm pansexual. I fall in love with souls and hearts, not eyes and hair and lips. I fall in love with the deep connections I have with people and the insecurities they show me. The insecurities that shine so wonderfully in my eyes. Because when I know someone for three weeks, I don't see those wonderful things. I don't have that deep connection or see their glowing lights. All I see is someone who I know is at least really nice.
And yes they might be nice to look at, nice to talk to and to hang out. But I only know their name and face, not what they are about. Do they like coffee or tea? Sun or rain? Do they enjoy long walks in the park? Cats or dogs? Mist or fog? What really makes them laugh?
Perhaps you think I'm stupid. That these things don't really matter. That dating is just having fun without any bother. But this is just the way I am. I can't date just for the sake of it. I want to date who I truly love and I don't want to fake it.
So with that I'll let you go now but if you have a second to spare... is the way I feel okay or am I living in a nightmare?
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hello there. I identify as omni, and I would like to add a few things. Sure, there are people that will fall in love with looks over personality, but I like to think that there's something else. Maybe they heard you talking passionately with your friends about your favorite show, and they were enamoured with it. Maybe they saw you smile when you thought no one was looking, and they wanted to know what it was. Or maybe it's just me, trying to justify the simplest act of kindness. Just something to think about.
ReplyThankyou for your comment, it means a lot <3 I suppose it could have been something like that you’re right! I guess just for me that doesn’t work. Even if I see such small but beautiful details, i couldn’t date them right away. Maybe I just want to live a fairytale 😂 I just want to fall in love with a best friend after years of knowing each other or something sappy like that
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