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Please be okay....
5 days ago · · Please Be Okay
something's wrong. I don't know what but something's most definitely off. I get panic attacks and breakdowns or whatever this time it isn't normal. I feel like there's something happening and I don't have a way to find out what it is.
I usually love being home alone, but this time I broke down as soon as the door shut, leaving me by myself. I don't know why but I couldn't stand the thought of being in this house by myself for the next hour.
My first impulse was to rush into the bathroom and open the window... the same spot I was when I saw him for the first last time. The first time I got to see him before our final goodbye. I don't know. something about that hits hard and I was screaming at God, tears streaming down my face. I was slamming my hand against the window and countertop, unable to control myself.
I guess that's when the fact that he's gone fully sunk in and I couldn't take it. I cried for an hour and when I finally calmed down a bit, I fixed my makeup and then mom walked in the door, leaving me no choice but to act okay.
I tried so hard to keep myself in check and my emotions under control; turned on some upbeat music, made coffee and tried to distract myself. but all my thoughts lead back to him and it's hard to breathe.
it's all panic and hurt and I don't know what's wrong. they took him a few months ago and I was at least still able to function, so I don't understand why it's coming crashing down now. I don't know what they're doing to him or where he is... I'm confused and anxious and I haven't felt like this before.
something's off. something's happening to him or something already did happen and it kills me that I don't know what and I can't do anything about it. I just wish I at least knew.... our emotions are linked. they have been since we met. when he feels something, I usually feel the same thing even if we aren't going thru the same thing and we're miles apart. I always know how he's feeling because I feel it too and this time something's very wrong.
I can't describe it; it's just wrong. I don't know what to do and if I call, he'll just get in more trouble. I can't be there for him this time... it kills me that I can't be there when he needs someone most. damn. I never really thought about that. never expected it to be like this and yet I can't do anything about it.
I just wish I knew.....