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I have so many questions
4 months ago · · may,
Was I toxic? I was in a relationship with this boy (we'll call him K) and that time, my mental health was a mess. A lot of things were going on, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and had a surgery. It went well but unexpectedly, my uncle died. All of this were happening where I used to live.
I used to stay with my dad but my stepsister and stepmother were too much for me. They brought back my depressive episodes so I decided to take a break and left to live with my mom.
K and I were not together because my parents were strict and I don't want to break my promise to my dad about not having a bf until I finish college. We were both committed and we're just waiting for me to finish. Our situation was already difficult (no label, LDR) and my mental health just had to worsen.
I was alone at my mom's because I knew no one there and my mom is always busy. My depressed stepdad did not help either. I kept pushing him away because I was scared. I was scared because he makes me happy and I was depending on him. He was my life, literally.
The first week of staying at my mom's, I felt like I made a wrong decision and wanted to just end it all. I was in the perfect place, no one can see me, no one can hear me. Weeks passed and I was prepared. I wrote letters and knew exactly what I would do to end it all.
Then he came into my life... I've liked him for 2 years. We started texting and in the beginning it was okay. But as I fell harder and when he said that he loves me, I got scared. What if I lose him? I don't want to go back to that dark state. I pushed him away and warned him about my mental issues (so many times). He insisted to stay but it did not take long for him to get tired of me. Slowly, our communication became less and less to completely none. I was hurt and felt abandoned. I would always try to talk to him about the issues but he just ends it without really solving the problem. His actions does not match his words and it hurts me. I guess he got tired of me opening the same issue every other night.
He then told me he needed time alone... he said I was his rest. It came from that to not wanting to talk to me because I drain him.
Idek where I'm going... I'm just crazy and pathetic. I have no excuse in being insecure and I can't blame him for getting tired of me. I hate myself. I don't understand why I treated him that way. I don't know why I chose to be that way when I could've been a reason for him to smile just like he did to me. What's wrong with me?
I just had to let go because I'm hurting him. I feel like I hurt everyone around me. I should've just went with me original plan.
So... was I toxic?