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This is a serious question. What does gender identity feel like?
How can you tell which parts of your identity stem from your gender? And why is it important to identify as one gender at all?
This question might be incredibly ignorant and just prove how cis and non-gender-dysphoric I am. Do you only notice your gender identity if it doesn't align with your biological sex?
I like my female body, but I have never really thought much further. Why do people care about this? If I imagine that everyone would suddenly call me "he", if I was suddenly forced to use a men's bathroom... I suppose that I wouldn't care much, either. Pronouns don't define who I am as a person... So why do they matter so much to some people?
Again, my apologies if these questions are in any way rude or inconsiderate - I totally respect and support everyone who values their pronouns! :) I just... don't understand? The need for them? The need for genders?
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You have good thoughts. Unfortunately society doesn't like to think that hard, so it wants to paint things in black & white, M & F. In retaliation, those who are outside the 2 labels have been forced to create new ones which infuriates the M/F thinkers, leading us to the mess that you are talking about.
My advice to anyone who feels outside the normal gender stereotype is to avoid labels altogether, just be who you are and let everyone else stress over "what" you are. For example, I was good friends with a biological girl who dressed like a boy and liked girls. Not once did she try to put a label on what she was, nor did she exclusively associate with either female, lesbian, trans, or anything. She was just "her" (the pronoun she accepted). It was really cool to be in a room with her because you could see everyone trying to figure her out, and she didn't care.
Replyhello! a transgender person here :) I'd be happy to try to answer your questions.
1. gender identity is defined as an individual's personal sense of having a particular gender. personally, as a transman, I have a strong sense of gender identity because of the overwhelming dysphoria I feel. despite not being born a male, everything within me aligns with being a man. it just feels like "I'm a guy"
2. I'm not quite sure what you're asking here, but I'll do my best anyway. basically growing up, I felt a disconnect between myself and my body. I started developing physically and I grew extremely uncomfortable. it was the first big cue in my brain that was like "hey, maybe I'm discovering something about myself". and sure enough, I was lol.
3. to me personally, identifying as one gender is very comforting. I hated being called a girl/being addressed by my deadname, so identifying myself as male is pretty important to me. however, this isn't the case with everyone.
4. to a lot of people, myself included, the disconnect or discomfort between our identity and our biological sex is indeed what made us notice our gender identity more. I know that with my girlfriend, she shares her experience as a cisgender person and how she barely pays any mind to it. however, with me, it's something I actively give attention to.
5. pronouns are a validating factor for trans people or gender-non comforting individuals. they are what an individual is comfortable being called. being called pronouns that you don't identify as, or pronouns that go with your biological gender, can make a person feel very invalid in their identity and cause huge amounts of discomfort or negative feelings.
6. it's totally okay to have questions if you don't have a good understanding of topics regarding pronouns and gender. I applaud you for inquiring about them and would be happy to answer any other questions/any follow-ups you have :)
ReplyThank you so much for your detailed reply! :)
I think I understand a little better now... It makes sense that people tend to notice their gender identity more if it causes them discomfort or doesn't align with their physical body, I guess.
I was wondering all these things because I never really thought of myself as a "girl", but neither as "NOT a girl", I have always just been... myself? - it feels a bit as if I just passively accepted the role that was given to me by society without reflecting at all whether that truly suits me. And thus, I've grown so comfortably into my female label that I still don't actively notice it, because it fits so well with the rest of my identity. Does that make sense?
And if something between one's biological sex (and society's expectations to that) and the rest of the identity doesn't add up... Then it suddenly becomes important to do something against this kind of "clash"... And that's where people start consciously differentiating their gender identity from their biological sex?
The bit about pronouns was also really helpful, thank you! :) I think I understand a bit better now that, if you're already experiencing problems with sex, gender and identity, pronouns might not change who you are, but... They kind of give others the opportunity to show their support and care for who you are, regardless of your biological sex? Pronouns matter because they're a way of showing respect, support and validation (or ignorance, if used incorrectly) and because they ease the dysphoria? Did I understand that correctly?
Also... (my apologies for all these questions, but I've never really had the chance to ask them before haha) When I'm meeting new people, I usually just refer to them with the pronoun that matches the name that they used to introduce themselves (and, if it is an ambiguous name, I go by their appearance, or, if that's ambiguous too, avoid pronouns alltogether, especially because my native language doesn't have a gender-neutral "they" option). Is it rude to just assume pronouns? Or is it rude to ask for pronouns (especially with cis people who themselves don't think much about pronouns)?
Replythat definitely would have made me wonder as well lol. im glad you're so comfortable in your identity! that is a lovely thing for trans and cis people alike.
1. yes! that's exactly it. the "clash" between biological sex and one's gender identity is what tends to cause people to start trying to figure out why there is that clash and what they can do to soothe it.
2. im so glad you found it helpful! and yes!! you absolutely understood the pronoun bit correctly. that's 1000)% correct
3. no worries! feel free to ask as many questions as you want. i know it's hard sometimes to find the answers to them. as for asking for pronouns, it's not rude at all. cis people might be stunned a bit at first, but I cannot imagine they would find it mean. as for anyone who is trans or gender non-comforting, they most likely would be grateful that you asked, as it eradicates the chance for them to be misgendered. it's also not wrong to assume pronouns. everyone subconsciously does so. it is what we are used to doing. however, asking pronouns is a good habit to get into :)
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