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Hey you,
I wish I could take it all back, take it all away. Out of the records of the bookkeepers. You loved me when I couldn't love myself, and I didn't even realise it at the time. It's because of you I'm still here, you carried me through the darkest of days. For a while, there was no life left in me.
I never learned from my limits and blacked out again that night. You were out of town. The next morning I woke up in a strange place. I heard from someone else what I did, shattering any faith I had in myself. I've never felt so sick.
And when you asked me about it, I couldn't bear to tell you the truth of what I didn't remember.
I'm not sure who was hurt more. My crushing guilt, or me crushing you. It's not a contest though. I want you to be happy and fulfilled, because you deserve that and so much more.
You held my fragile heart with the utmost care, and in return I shattered yours. You deserve better than I'm so sorry. You deserve better than me, someone better than this broken addict.
And now you're with someone who loves themselves enough to accept your love. You're having a child and building a home. I want to see you thrive, I want to see you shine. All three of you. And I want you to forget me.
10 years later, some days I wish it was me. Then I remembered you deserve better and therefore better off.
Your sweet pea,
I love you, I always will. I'm sorry I ruined it.
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ReplyI cheated on the love of my life in a blackout because I couldn't control my drinking. Fucked up right?
Reply